I took a pregnancy test again this morning and still not even the faintest second line. So definitely negative, but still early. I was having a hard time holding out any hope for this month, but my peak+7 bloodwork came back yesterday. My progesterone level was at 21 ng/mL and my estadiol level was 421 pg/mL. These are both good and high like last month. So i guess this means that I did ovulate. The nurse sounded so darn optimistic last month and was asking if I had taken a pregnancy test because the numbers were showing that my hormone levels were really good. But still no luck last month, so what does that really mean?!?

This post outlines what exactly progesterone and estrodiol actually do… http://waitingforthenugget.wordpress.com/2011/09/03/peak-7-bloodwork/

I guess something positive is that I had these levels again on a lesser dose of Clomid. So maybe acupuncture is helping? It was nice being on lower dose of Clomid, my ovaries felt less like they wanted to explode!

I just want so badly to be pregnant! Why can’t I make this work? I feel like I am doing everything I can.

Off to work… I have so much to accomplish today before leaving on vacation. I just can’t make myself care. Seems to be a common theme these days.

First a little back story, she got pregnant with her daughter her second month trying. Her daughter was born last November (btw it hasn’t even been a year). When I saw her in July, she had mentioned that she was weaning her daughter and they would be open to number two whenever.

When I had my surgery, I got a text saying that she hoped it went well. But other than that, her support for me during this process has been pretty non-existant. I do get text message pictures of her daughter though. I don’t mind gushing over my friends kids who also reciprocate and are interested in being there for me during this trying time.

So her email was letting me and our other two close sorority friends know that she was having a D&C on Tuesday. Of course, the way the email starting off saying there was news… I scanned quickly for the word pregnant to jump out. I guess I was almost relieved not to find that to be the case.

She had a normal first period and then a really light one the next month. Her first pregnancy test was negative, but then there was a positive one a few days later. After blood work and two sonograms, it was discovered that she had a blighted ovum. A blighted ovum (also known as “anembryonic pregnancy”) happens when a fertilized egg attaches itself to the uterine wall, but the embryo does not develop. Cells develop to form the pregnancy sac, but not the embryo itself. A blighted ovum usually occurs within the first trimester before a woman knows she is pregnant. A high level of chromosome abnormalities usually causes a woman’s body to naturally miscarry. http://www.americanpregnancy.org/pregnancycomplications/blightedovum.html

Upon re-reading her email now, I now feel awful for her and her husband that for the past month they thought they were pregnant. But I have to admit, as I was reading about this while my 13th month of negative pregnancy tests was staring back up at me from the counter, I did not feel bad for her. All I could think was she almost got pregnant again the second month of trying. Yes, it is sad that the fertilized egg didn’t develop into an embryo, but as soon as she recovers I’m sure she’ll be pregnant again in a few months and this will only be a blip on her memory.

I think my heart is starting to turn to ice. How could I not feel anything for my friend upon reading that email? I told my husband that I am heartless and that he should run as far away as possible. And then I strapped on my running shoes to try and forget that I was heartless and starting to feel like a shell of a person somedays.

TODAY

I just sent back my final comments to my wedding photographer on our album proof… our TWO year Anniversary is Monday – haha! My photographer such an amazing job that I had the hardest time ever picking what photographs to use. Having the DVD of all the images didn’t help either as I could just flip through them anytime I wanted. I don’t like to think of myself as a procrastinator, but sometimes I am epic! Example 2 is the future nursery room that is essentially just a large catchall closet currently. Yes we purchased our home in the Winter of ’09 – we are coming up on three years. We talk about this room like the field of dreams… we need to clean it out and the baby will come. This thinking hasn’t yet produced action though =)

I added myself to the Stirrup Queen’s IComLeavWe (International Comment Week) October list. I’m hoping this will help me focus more on the blog – instead of just mentally outlining posts, but never writing them. More info here: http://www.stirrup-queens.com/2011/09/icomleavwe-october-2011/

It has been 3 months exactly since my endometriosis laproscopy – definitely thought I would be pregnant after three months… maybe fourth time is a charm?

THIS WEEK

Our little puppy Rosie got spayed on Tuesday (yes we got a puppy back in July – this is another whole blog entry). I joking told my husband this morning that she is like her Mommy now and can’t get pregnant! Normally she is crazy full of energy, but she is blissfully calm in her drugged up state. Sort of pathetic too in the cone head. The calmness is starting to wear off today already though, but that is good because it does not seem like she is in too much pain.

My husband went to dinner last night with his best friend, after he had noticed we were both so down on Friday night. I think that it was good for Joe to be able to talk to someone else besides me about what he is feeling. He also was able to share some of his feelings with me he hadn’t previously been able.

LAST WEEK

I officially started week 1 of the first cycle after a year of trying. I guess this technically makes me medically infertile now =(

I also found out that Charlotte, my friend who had the same endometriosis laproscopy procedure 6 days before me is pregnant. She had told me that she didn’t think she ovulated last month and was super down the last time I talked to her. So it was another one of the kick you in the gut pregnancy announcements because I had mentally put her in my safe, not pregnant box for another month. I know this should make me feel super hopeful that the surgery works. But I already knew the surgery works for a lot of people, but the reality is that everyone’s body is different. She was dealing with secondary infertility, so she already had answers to questions like, “maybe my eggs are just crappy?” My husband called at work and asked me to go somewhere private to call him and then he told me their news. I immediately just started crying. I spent probably 20 minutes on the phone with him, just sitting in front of my building at work crying. At times like that, I am sooooo tired of this journey and the reality is there could still be a very long road ahead of us. Charlotte was going to call me that night, but I had already been sort of weepy that day thanks to the Clomid and I just couldn’t handle it that day. The next day though, I mustered up my strength and happy voice and called her to wish them congrats. I realized why pregnancy announcements by close friends hurt the worst, because you would think you would be able to muster up the most happiness for those you care the most. It hurts because it feels so much like you are being left behind and excluded from a private club. It feels like a rift opens up a bit that separates the parents from the non-parents.

THIS PAST MONTH

I have added a few more layers of wellness to my get pregnant plan. I can’t stand to not change something from month to month. It just feels like Einstein’s definition of insanity… “doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” So last month after I ovulated, I started acupuncture and seeing a chiropractor right after I ovulated (both of these deserve a whole post too). It didn’t result in a BFP, but I have been seeing some other great outcomes from the treatments. Maybe this month, it will all pay off?

This month, I added in removing alcohol from my diet. I am sure I will fall off the horse, but I figure reducing it 90% has to only be a benefit. We will see how I do at the wedding and all-inclusive vacation we have planned before Aunt Flo could make her dreaded appearance.

My brother got married! I wore the size 14 bridesmaid dress (ordered when I thought for sure I would be pregnant) that was “altered” back down to a size 10. It still looked huge! The wedding was so much fun and they are so happy. I have a new love of weddings currently. They are events filled with so much hope for the future – how can you not help but love them?

That pretty much covers the big stuff. Until next time!

HUGS to all, Kelly

Last month, I had been taking half a Clomid pill for a dosage of 25mg. This month I was instructed to take 3/4 of a pill for a dosage of 37.5mg. I have troubles with diminishing mucus and a side effect of Clomid is mucus reduction. So the doctor is trying to find the balance of just enough Clomid with the least effect to my mucus. To help the mucus, I’ve been taking 1200mg of Mucinex 2x a day and have been using Preseed lubricant.

My peak +7 numbers last cycle were:
Progesterone – 11.8 ng/ml
Estradiol – 224 pg/ml

I’ve spent a little google time checking out what functions these two hormones play since I had never even heard of Estradiol before seeing the lab order.

PROGESTERONE
(info from http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Progesterone)

Progesterone is sometimes called the “hormone of pregnancy”, and it has many roles relating to the development of the fetus:
-Progesterone converts the endometrium to its secretory stage to prepare the uterus for implantation. At the same time progesterone affects the vaginal epithelium and cervical mucus, making it thick and impenetrable to sperm. If pregnancy does not occur, progesterone levels will decrease, leading, in the human, to menstruation. Normal menstrual bleeding is progesterone-withdrawal bleeding. If ovulation does not occur and the corpus luteum does not develop, levels of progesterone may be low, leading to anovulatory dysfunctional uterine bleeding.
-During implantation and gestation, progesterone appears to decrease the maternal immune response to allow for the acceptance of the pregnancy.
-Progesterone decreases contractility of the uterine smooth muscle.

In women, progesterone levels are relatively low during the preovulatory phase of the menstrual cycle, rise after ovulation, and are elevated during the luteal phase. Progesterone levels tend to be 5 ng/ml after ovulation. If pregnancy occurs, progesterone levels are initially maintained at luteal levels. With the onset of the luteal-placental shift in progesterone support of the pregnancy, levels start to rise further and may reach 100-200 ng/ml at term

ESTRADIOL
(info from http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Estradiol)

In the female, estradiol acts as a growth hormone for tissue of the reproductive organs, supporting the lining of the vagina, the cervical glands, the endometrium, and the lining of the fallopian tubes. It enhances growth of the myometrium. Estradiol appears necessary to maintain oocytes in the ovary. During the menstrual cycle, estradiol produced by the growing follicle triggers, via a positive feedback system, the hypothalamic-pituitary events that lead to the luteinizing hormone surge, inducing ovulation. In the luteal phase, estradiol, in conjunction with progesterone, prepares the endometrium for implantation. During pregnancy, estradiol increases due to placental production. In baboons, blocking of estrogen production leads to pregnancy loss, suggesting estradiol has a role in the maintenance of pregnancy. Actions of estradiol are required before prior exposure of progesterone in the luteal phase.

In the normal menstrual cycle, estradiol levels measure typically <50 pg/ml at menstruation, rise with follicular development (peak: 200 pg/ml), drop briefly at ovulation, and rise again during the luteal phase for a second peak. At the end of the luteal phase, estradiol levels drop to their menstrual levels unless there is a pregnancy.
During pregnancy, estrogen levels, including estradiol, rise steadily toward term. The source of these estrogens is the placenta, which aromatizes prohormones produced in the fetal adrenal gland.

Serum estradiol measurement in women reflects primarily the activity of the ovaries.

This last cycle, I had so much hope. It was my first full cycle after the endo laproscopy and using Clomid. I had been religious about taking all my pills. Plus we had discovered Preseed to help with my mucus issues. It felt like so much was different than past tries and surely these changes would tip the scale in our favor. It also seemed so perfect that we could get a BFP for our birthdays. My DH’s 30th birthday was on Friday and my 29th today. Plus the baby would have been due on April 24th, AFTER tax season. This is a big deal to us as my husband works in public accounting. It just felt like the stars were aligning.

Early BFNs were followed by the arrival of my period on Wednesday. I cried all the way to work two days in a row. Recently, my car has become my crying safe place. I must have too much time to think in there, because I know I am always at a higher risk of becoming a blabbering mess when driving alone.

So today I am blue about not being pregnant. Instead of going to the pool or doing anything social, fun and distracting, I’ve been moping around the house. The DH has been napping for the last few hours as he had a 24 visit to Chicago for a bachelor party yesterday. So he hasn’t had a chance to curb the pity party taking place on the couch.

Anyone else notice today, that despite the heat it is starting to feel like Indian Summer? I love summer and I am annoyed at myself for wasting one of the last good pool weekends. It is time to peel myself off the couch and get moving. Laying here is not going to make ANYTHING better. Today I took my first Clomid dose for the month, so it is time to look forward again and stop dwelling in what hasn’t happened!

So this conversation replayed itself yet again after I was bummed out on missing such an amazing deal. By the time I went to bed, I was finally able to see that option #2 for vacation was pretty darn amazing too. The next day, I came across this writing by St. Francis de Sales. It was a little lesson that applied directly to my tantrum the day before…

“Soon we shall be in eternity, and then we shall see how very petty are the things of this earth and how inconsequential it is whether we are involved in them or not. Now we get all worked up as if the were terribly important! When we were small children, how carefully we collected pieces of wood, stone and such to build huts, and if someone knocked them down we cried; then we were all put out, but now we understand how unimportant these things were. We will feel the same way one day in Heaven, when we see that all our preoccupations in this world were nothing but childish concerns. Be faithful to your duties, but be convinced that there is nothing more worthy or more important than eternal salvation and the perfection of your soul .” (Letters 455; O. XIX, p. 22)

Recently though, I have been making peace with the reality that everyones TTC story is different. My situation may turn out to be easier than lots but it is also more difficult than the typical TTC experience for those lucky 5 out of 6 couples who don’t have to struggle.

So I have decided it is time to reclaim my blog to share my journey and work through the sometimes complicated and messy emotions that infertility stirs up! I hope that you’ll comment and share your experiences too in the comments. I am looking forward to reconnecting with everyone!!!

On Saturday, I lounged in bed and on the couch all day to compensate for overdoing it physically on Saturday. I felt like such a waste of space! My to-do list has been growing since the surgery and it feels overwhelming since I am not yet fully recovered and back to normal to attack it. Laying about also gives you way too much time to feel sorry for yourself. I realized as I aimlessly surfed Facebook that day that 75% of the time I allow it to make me feel bad. It is a virtual, emotional minefield for me.

If Facebook isn’t making me sad about not having a child of my own, it makes me frustrated every time I see another pregnancy announcement. When I see vacation pictures, it makes me feel bad that we were a little irresponsible with our spending this winter/spring and now need to postpone taking a vacation until we get back on track with saving. I wonder how other friends lives can look so gosh darn picture perfect? I feel the need to care more about my personal appearance when I see girls with cute outfits, perfect hair and makeup, and toned bodies. Or I just wonder if we are enjoying life as much as it looks like other people do? But that is just it, Facebook only shows you what everyone else’s lives look like from the surface. I certainly did not post pictures of me from surgery. There are happy smiling pictures from the lake weekend with friends, but there are no pictures of me crying myself to sleep the first night of the trip. There is a great picture of me and my husband from the wedding trip to New York, but it doesn’t show the added relationship strain we’ve had to work through because of our fertility issues.

I know this is my issue that I need to work on improving and not Facebook’s fault – although I would love to lay the blame there! After conversations with my husband and inner reflectance, I am realizing that by putting such emphasis on the “outer scorecard” through comparisions and not my “inner” scorecard, I am making the pain of not being able to get pregnant even harder on myself in addition to a host of other outside pressures.

By Saturday evening, I decided I needed a break from Facebook to really work on my own priorities without the influence and time suck it provides. I did not deactivate my account, but decided to treat it more like a cleanse. I deleted the app from both my phone and iPad. I am promising myself I will not log in on my laptop unless I receive an email notification of tagged pics or comments. So far I have been Facebook free for 36 hours!

Upon arriving home, I was still starving and had a feast of pudding cups, soup, gummy bears and lots of water. I tried to participate in the conversations between my parents and husband, but I was very much drugged up and nodding off constantly. I did manage to get out an email to all the friends who had emailed, texted and called to wish me luck or see how it went. I re-read it while not on drugs – it was more than a little disjointed!

The pain wasn’t bad if I stayed still, but I still found myself looking forward to the time I could take my first dose of pain meds at home. I had read that the shoulder pain from the surgery gases would occur the day after, but I found it the worst that night. It was just as painful as my abdomen.

At 9:30, my husband and I decided it was finally not too early to turn in for the night. During pillow talk, we both expressed how glad we were that the surgery was over. It feels like a totally fresh start to this whole trying to conceive thing! Slightly ironic that if we had gotten pregnant on our first try the next day, June 30th, would have been the due date.

THURSDAY
I camped out on the couch all day and my memories are foggy. I can’t recall lots of the detail from the day. I felt good because of the Percocet, but man that stuff is crazy! I was totally on drugs – it was hard to hold a conversation, a thought, watch a movie or write an email. So I mainly tried to surf the web but I think I mostly aimlessly clicked. My husband I both realized I could not be responsible for my pill schedule. I could not easily recall when and what I took, just an hour after taking it. I found myself easily confused, so I sat like a happy idiot on the couch most of the day.

My husband’s mother came to visit and came bearing ice cream. We had show and tell with the surgery images. The sheets of images were a big hit with the visitors who stopped by all week. Our family and friends have invested themselves too in our journey of trying to conceive. I think seeing the images of real physical issues that were removed is hopeful to everyone.

My mom came back again and spent most of the time doing chores. I kept trying to get her to stop and just sit down with me and watch old movies, but this was probably her way of feeling like she was helping and actually doing something to help me.

Thursday, lots of flowers arrived – I received flowers from my husband’s mom, my husband’s good friend and his fiancé, and from my childhood best friend. Check out this gorgeous bouquet…

That night my husband left for an hour to go play basketball and I had a mini panic attack right before he left, because I didn’t feel right. I wasn’t sure what was going on but I started imagining the worst. I must have freaked him out because he called his mom to check in on me. Hilariously, I think I just had to toot and the pressure was a whole new sensation. Seriously! I had a mini panic attack about gas!

That night I waited 8 hours instead on 6 to take the Percocet, so that we would not have to set an alarm for me to take a pill in the middle of the night. Big mistake! Just moving from the couch to the bathroom to bed resulted in so much pain, I was crying! The drugs also seemed to be wearing down my mental state too. I could see the concerned look on my husbands face and that made me cry more, but being us he found a way to make me laugh after I was laying down, which shook my belly, which hurt, so I’d cry a bit more while laughing!

FRIDAY
The hubby went back to work for the day. He made sure I got showered and situated on the couch before he left. I was glad to notice that the shoulder pain was practically gone.

Once he left though, I was bad and got up and made a different breakfast. I wanted to eat oatmeal because I still hadn’t pooped and wanted more fiber (in addition to the lovely stool softeners we picked up at the drug store). Taking care of myself and being alone, I could feel myself getting upset. This emotional downslide from the pain pills was starting to wear on me.

The rest of the day was pretty much the same as the day before – a drugged haze. My mom came over around noon and we watched some movies she picked up from red box. Then one my high school best friends came by with a smoothie. Life was so hectic before the surgery and we had a lot of catching up to do.

SATURDAY
I was still taking the Percocet and wasn’t feeling any pain and I majorly over did it! I also had finally stopped spotting from surgery – yeah, to no more pads and liners!

feeling great, I picked up the house and vacuumed (I know, I know – I really should not have done that!), then a friend came with sweet treats and we ended up standing around in the kitchen talking for a while before sitting down. My husband talked my into going to the pool later, where I sat in a coverup under the awning reading a magazine (probably the most relaxing part of the day). After the pool, we took a trip to BB&B to get my bro a birthday microwave. He is learning that being an adult so exciting! After all this, I went home and got cleaned up to go over to my parents for his birthday dinner. Way too much for three days post op! I crashed when we got home at 10:30pm and did not wake up once until 10:30am the next morning.

SUNDAY
I had decided the night before that I was going to try going cold turkey on the Percocet. So I was going to be so lazy to try and make up for over doing it the day before. I cat napped, watched movies the whole day and was basically a complete slug the whole day. The hubby kept himself occupied by making a fabulous dinner from the cookbook, Ad Hoc at Home. Everything from that cookbook is to die for! After only being up 11 hours, I crawled into bed for another 12 hour night of sleep. Even now 10 days post op, I still have to sleep on my back. Things just do not feel right inside when I lay on my side. It feels like things are falling out of place and pulling.

MONDAY
The fourth of July holiday was a bittersweet day as I knew I had to face the real world again the next day. I savored all the laziness, my nap on the couch, having my husband’s undivided attention and tried not to think about going back to work. That night we went to the in-laws for a BBQ with a small group of family members. Everyone was very glad that I was feeling better and it was good to be out of the house. We turned in early again and could hear the faint echo of fireworks as we were drifting off to sleep.

BACK TO WORK
Before eating breakfast on Tuesday, I weighed myself to be self torturous and I had gained 5 pounds since pre op! I am still hoping it is partially swelling and bloating weight, but I know I had been on a food binge. My appetite was never effected by the surgery and I definitely over indulged for 6 days. I had hopes of kicking off the week with a new healthy outlook, but that did not stick. There is always next week!

At work, sitting in my chair all day was not bad at all. I just needed to be conscious not to hunch over as folding my stomach irritated my belly button. I am still very bloated even today and skirts / dresses are the most comfortable choices. I tried wearing my fat pants yesterday and spent half the day with them unbuttoned. Luckily I had worn a long shirt!

I am still more tired than usual, but can feel myself getting restless as my energy starts coming back. I overdid it yesterday by lifting and moving too much. I was so sore by the end of the day! I need to remember to just keep taking it easy. I am doing a lot of lounging around today:). Dreaming of a baby of my own and getting this show on the road!