Monthly Archives: May 2011

It’s Not Over Until It Starts

I really never do give up hope… my two percent chance just dropped to half a percent when my temperature dropped an entire degree this morning :(. Still no period though… just some very light, brown spotting. Must be a matter of hours. At least this month, the pre-period cramping is fairly minimal… (small sigh).

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Do What Feels Right For You

I held out hope, but it is time to recharge emotionally to start my cycle over again. I really need to stop with the early pregnancy tests because I never believe the results and the little buggers are an annoying expense, but I can’t stop myself! So here I am three negative pregnancy tests later, the spotting has started and Aunt Flo will surely make her full appearance later today. As the chance gradually slips away with each test, I ease into the news – 50% chance the test is missing the baby hormones, 18% chance, 2% chance, then the arrival of my period. But by that point I am almost fully expecting it’s arrival, so I am only 2% disappointed. I feel much more at peace this month. This is good news, because I really do not want to ruin another fun trip for myself with my internal bad mood. I don’t feel the need to curl up in a ball and be alone this time. I am so excited to escape to NY for an extended weekend!

We did leave the doctor’s office on Monday with a short term plan of attack. I mentally and emotionally could not handle everything going on in my professional life and deal with my surgery apprehension. I was able to grill the dr on how many procedures has he completed, what are the worst complications that he has seen, the recovery, the percent chance that he’ll find endometriosis when he goes in, and about my other options. This is a surgery he has performed hundreds of times with only a few cases with complications. It sounds like he takes a very conservative approach to the procedure as not damage any organs while removing the endometriosis. He expects 85-90% chance that he will definitely find endometriosis.

After the appointment, I canceled the surgery for June 1st. I left feeling sure that I should undergo the procedyre, but I wasn’t prepared emotionally yet and it seemed like the world was giving me reason after reason why this was not the month. I filled my prescription for Clomid to take in June. Hopefully, the first time will be a charm! But if it is not, we have marked off July 6th on the calendar to reschedule the procedure. This time, I won’t feel rushed into it and hopefully feel much better about it. I have stopped waking up at night feeling panicy since we canceled… I think that is definitely a sign that I made the right decision for me this month!

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To Pee or Not to Pee, that is the Question?

90% of the time, I have a 13-14 day back end of my cycle.  If I have a 13 day back end, I could start my period on Tuesday.  This puts tomorrow as three days before my “missed” period.  As much as I try to forget about that lone pregnancy test residing under my sink, I can not get it out my head.  I know better – my face is breaking out like I am high school.  I’m completely bloated and have been having abdominal pain all afternoon (endometriosis flaring up because of hormones or just regular cramps?), and my boobs are swollen and hurt.  It is pretty obvious that my period is coming.  BUT the hope is always still there, because until it shows up I’m not really not pregnant. 

I’m trying to push it out of my mind…. (because really – I could pee on it now too…)

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Most Annoying Facebook App and Pregnant “Friend”

I know that facebook is a virtual emotional minefield, but I still venture out there more than I should.  Today, I had a breaking point though!  Birthwatch – the name of the app says everything that you need to know.  In my newsfeed, I was informed of the exact age and development of the most annoying mother-to-be’s baby!  I went scrambling to hide this app and “friend.”

This is the first baby related person that I have hidden, but given how much she has overshared already and she is only at 7 weeks and 6 days (thanks Birthwatch!) – I don’t think I will be able to take 32 more weeks!  It started with the pregnancy announcement  – probably before the pee had even dried on the stick – that admited it was a completely unplanned pregnancy (as they just got married and she is only in her first year of med school) and stating, ” We are gonna make the best of it even though it’s gonna be a difficult road.”   (I was already gritting my teeth).

Then came the posts complaining about not being able to drink coffee, the ultrasound picture, pleas to continue her good luck streak of no morning sickness (I would look at getting pregnant without trying as the stoke of good luck), an update she was skipping a friend’s birthday party because, “Don’t think there’s such a thing as a non-smoking bar that will be pregger-friendly” (this still has my scratching my head – they do serve water, juice, and sodas without caffeine at bars the last time I checked).   And today Birthwatch!  Time to hide her!

I’m glad to have headed this novel new app off at the pass before these status’ for all my pregnant friends started showing up in my newsfeed!  It is not that I am not happy for my friends who are pregnant, it is just their happiness sometimes feels like a spotlight on my sadness.  So sometimes a little bit of self-presevation is required.

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Reconsidering

I am horrible at making decisions! I am overly analytical, am a sorta perfectionist and constantly second guess myself. I was on board with the endometriosis surgery. I had read up on it, I had processed my fear and was feeling hopeful. But then yesterday happened.

I told my mom about everything. As soon as she heard about it, she asked if she could ask her friend who is an OBGYN what he thought of my doctor’s surgical skills. He had nothing to say badly about the doctor, but he recommended trying for a year before undergoing the procedure. Like all surgeries it inherently has risks. This was my first gut reaction too- take the Clomid for a few months and reevaluate at the end of the summer.

Canceling the surgery would definitely make my life easier and make me feel less guilty. 1) there is a huge deadline at work that I will be out for my recovery during the final push. 2) my parents will cancel a vacation that they had planned because the surgery happens while they would be gone.

The people effected above have all multiple times reassured me that it will be okay. So really these are factors that I shouldn’t take into account.

So should I do it or not? Or should I try the less risky options first????

I am so conflicted!!!

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Sometimes Shoes Just Make You Happy

A recent obsession (besides my uncooperative fertility) has been a heightened curiosity regarding the royal wedding and British society. The main focus of my fascination include hot Harry, party girl Pippa and Princess Kate’s style!

Of course, new additions to the wardrobe are a must before any trip and our upcoming NY trip is no exception. The “Kate Middleton-esque” espadrilles I ordered were waiting for me tonight. I love internet shopping because you get the shopping rush twice – once when the item is ordered and then again when there is a “present” waiting on the front porch. It feels like Christmas morning!

Can’t wait to feel like a princess when I wear them next week!

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The Tale of Two Grocery Items

A few of my architecture school friends came over tonight for an informal get-together / pizza dinner. I needed to pick up a bottle of wine to share so I stopped at the grocery store after work. I picked out a Pinot Noir and then headed over to the pharmacy department. I had been needing to pick up my prenatal vitamin prescription for several days and this was finally my chance. Only as I was checking out, plunked the bottle of wine down on the counter and noticed the questioning stare of the pharmacist, did I realize that these two items don’t really compliment each other!!

I’ve been trying to stop explaining and apologizing all the time, so I silently bit my tongue, quickly paid, and slipped our of the store – wine subtly tucked behind my back and prenatals in the other hand.

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Circle of Life

In my new spirit of openness, I shared with a coworker about my impending surgery and discovered that she too had the endometriosis surgery. She gave me a heads up that the recovery can be a little rougher than you might anticipate. I stopped by her desk today to say thank you for the insight and that googling the surgery and knowing better what to expect had put me at ease.

She shared with me the abridged version of all she went through before her three kiddos. She mentioned that the third doctor she saw was amazing and that he was the first to diagnose her auto-immune disorder and treat it effectively. I was making a mental note to store his name in my back pocket for future reference, when she said his name… It hung there for a minute… Why did it sound so familiar???? Oh wait – that is because he was the doctor who delivered ME! If I went to him, wouldn’t that be very full circle?!?

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The Size 14 Bridesmaid Dress – Coming Soon!

My brother is getting married in August and his fiance asked the bridesmaids to order their dresses in January. In the spirit of hope, I went up two sizes and ordered extra length to accommodate up to a 7 month bump. You can always cut fabric off, but you can’t make it appear from nothing. Months have been tearing off the calendar and here we are – three months from the wedding and I have probably actually lost weight in my working out to prepare my body for pregnancy, so now the dress is probably three sizes too large. There will be a lot of cutting!

I saw the bride this weekend and found out that actually one of her other bridesmaid is accidentally pregnant and will be about 5-6 months along by the time of the wedding. Lucky for her – I will have panels of material to be cut out of the side of my dress that she can sew into hers! We will both be looking for a good seamstress! I am DEFINITELY not trying on this dress at the store and hope to dodge the confused looks from the saleswoman. I’ll just tell her I was on Biggest Loser!

Luckily – this is my 9th time around as a bridesmaid, so I am sooooo use to the atrocious dresses. So this is rolling off me pretty well =)

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Endometriosis?

When the doctor first described the endometriosis surgery, I was thinking this would be on par with getting some cavities filled. That would be slightly underestimating the procedure – it turns out surgery is never really not that big of a deal. After reading online, I discovered that I might be ready to go back to work on Monday following the Wed surgery, but for many people it is almost a week long recovery. My husband laughed at my google keywords of “scared of endometriosis surgery” but that was exactly what I was feeling and wanted to hear what other women had to say about it. We read about the recovery, about the operating room, read about the technical aspects and looked at pictures of the surgery. I cried a bit and got to verbalize my fears, but in the end it was very reassuring though to hear story after story of pregnancy occurring just months afterwards!!! That result would definitely make the pain worth it.

I am still not 100% convinced that this is the next “logical” step for me. I haven’t had extensive imaging or bloodwork done. I wonder am I jumping into a very serious procedure without ruling out the easier steps first? It is just too tempting to have this seemingly magic bullet surgery available. It might be the power of suggestion, but since endometriosis was suggested, I have been paying much closer attention to my body. I am realizing that I deal with abdominal discomfort and mild pain on a daily basis. I always assumed it was a highly sensitive digestive system, but maybe it is endometriosis instead?

My husband has just come around to telling our parents what has been going on. I told him that I would have to tell my mom – she would be so angry if she found out that I had done the surgery and had not let her know! So we are going to tell everyone this week. Not quite the fun announcement we hoped to be able to make, but I am excited to be able to talk about it.

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