Yesterday, I stopped by the pharmacy on my way home from work. I needed to pick up an Enema to use pre-surgery as instructed by the doctor. I knew what the results of taking one would be, but had no idea how it was actually administered or what it looked like. After wandering around for minutes trying to figure out what aisle (you’ll find them with the laxatives – duh!), I found them. They were on the bottom shelf, probably as to not offend the sensibilities of the general public. I took the box off the shelf and began reading the back. I began laughing out loud almost uncontrollably when I saw the illustrations of the person with their naked ass up in the air. So giving yourself an enema is sort of like child’s pose! Once I regained my composure, I took my selection up to the register. Of course, there was a huge line! I couldn’t decide which way to hold the box. Should I hold it with the label facing out that says in ENEMA in large type or should I face out the hysterical illustrations?!? I was up next and then realized that the three high school girls in front of me, who barely looked old enough to drive, were buying a pregnancy test for one of the girls in the group! Seriously! The world hates me sometimes. When I got back in the car, I pulled the box out again and once again was laughing!
Monthly Archives: June 2011
Tomorrow will be surgery day! This time around it feels right. Last month, everything in the world was telling me to wait and I’m glad that I did. This month the ebb and flow of work is syncing up perfectly, which has greatly reduced my anxiety. I feel prepared mentally, emotionally and physically for the surgery, and best of all I have not been having any anxiety about it. Last month, I canceled mainly to preserve my mental sanity. The perfect storm of stress was converging and I had started waking up at 3 in the morning imagining myself lying on the operating table. My heart would be pounding out of my chest!
I’m almost looking forward to the surgery now. I’m excited that it may help us conceive naturally. It feels like a major double bonus that I may feel better physically after the recovery, as every month the discomfort in my abdimon and lower back gets a little worse. And is it also too much to hope my intense tummy bloat is caused by endometriosis and might shrink afterwards too? I am also feeling a lot of anticipation about what the doctor will see in there tomorrow – I fear waking up to find out that there has been much damage caused by endometriosis or that there isn’t any at all. But I am ready to know!
Throughout the process of getting ready emotionally for the surgery, I’ve begun using twitter to connect with more woman dealing with endometriosis and infertility in general. It has been the most therapeutic thing I have done yet! It has helped reduce the amount of pity parties I was hosting for myself when I read about how much others are going through too and how strong they can be. I’ve met people who have helped tell me first hand what to expect from the surgery and the recovery – thanks to @geripinto and @EndoJourney for all the info and tips! And I really enjoy having such a quick and easy forum to put out there how I am feeling at that very moment. Somehow interacting anonymously on this blog and twitter, has allowed me to compartmentalize the sadness I feel. By having a place where I can go and focus on all the issues surrounding trying to get pregnant, I’ve been able to stop it from completely robbing me of being able to live and enjoy my real life. I’m not as fully consumed by it all hours of the day. That isn’t to say, I don’t still have hard days, but it seems that the good ones aren’t as tempered by the bad ones anymore.
This is a completely repeat of last month with the negative pregnancy test after pregnancy test, then the light brown spotting, the achy boobs, and the bloated abdomen. But still, I am holding out the smallest amount of hope that maybe I could still be pregnant! That maybe the spotting was implantation bleeding and that the pregnancy tests were just too early. Tomorrow is 14 days past ovulation and the day I predicted on my chart for my period. Luckily I am out of pregnancy tests, but there can always be that last kick in the gut of the basal body temperature shift down in the morning. Soon I will know and will need to start fully accepting that the Clomid didn’t work and the surgery will really be happening in 9 days.
Last week, before going to the lake there was another good friend who I made lunch plans with the intention of telling her about the surgery. Her and my college girlfriends were the last of my closest friends who did not know. I knew I wanted to tell her for a while, but I hadn’t known.
We met at her apartment to eat our brown bag lunches and had covered some of the sucky things going on in her life first – details about the passing of her husband’s old and dear friend who went to high school (beyond sad!) and major landlord problems that were causing her and her husband to move in the next 45 days unexpectedly. Then she asked the very open ended, “so how are things with you” question. That was my opening so I told her about us trying and the doctor visits and the surgery. Afterwards she looked at me with tears welling up and said, “well that just sucks!” She came over and gave me a big hug and we cried together. I know that she wasn’t just crying for me, but for all the pain in her life too right then. Even so, it felt so amazing to have a friend cry with me over how unfair this feels and how truly devastating it can be. Up to this point most people’s reactions to our situation haven’t been very comforting. You know that they care, but they always seem a little uncomfortable because they don’t know what to say, so they say that everything is going to work out and that it is going to happen soon. Sometime optimism isn’t exactly what the doctor ordered, sometimes you just want to know that your friend has your back and is in the trenches with you!
This weekend, I went to the lake with three of my sorority sisters and their husbands. I was looking forward to a relaxing weekend and was hopeful that maybe it would be just like it was in the sorority house and that the baby talk could be at a minimum. I knew going into the weekend that there might be “announcements” and tried to prepare mentally, but was hoping for the old normal.
My mom said it right, at least everything shitty happened on one day so I could just get through it and on to the next day. I started the day off with a big fat negative pregnancy test, then I heard from my mother later in the morning that they were going to put down their 15 year old golden retriever that day. We had gotten Bailey when I was a sophomore in high school and she was the best dog ever! So I went over to their house over lunch to say good-bye. On the way over there, it started to pour down rain. It felt like the world was crying! I had also been trying to come to grips with the news that week that a woman who was in the class ahead of me in high school was diagnosed with cancer on her 30th birthday this winter and less than four months lost her battle on Monday. I had seen her in January at a mutual friend’s birthday party. She was always my favorite out of that group of girls – she was so nice, down to earth and hilarious! I feel so sorry for her family and for such a promising life cut short. As I sat at a stop light with the rain pouring, that country song, “When I Die Young” came on and I completely lost it!
After a nice lunch with my mom and a tear soaked good-bye with Bailey, I headed back to work. Work is still overwhelming right now. I have another deadline on Tuesday and with going out of town, I know that I will not be able to meet it. I’m starting to get so demoralized – I am working so hard, but refuse to work crazy amounts of overtime and forgo sanity in my personal life. I’m probably being immature, but I hate knowing that is what would have been needed to have succeeded.
After work and frantically packing, we drove 4 hours to the lake. In the car, my husband started a “practice” conversation about how it is so exciting that ALL my friends are pregnant. I worked on my most sugary, sweet excited voice. I did not want another pregnancy announcement to result in public crying and in reality any or all of them could be pregnant. I had seen a picture of one of my friends on facebook and noted that her face looked noticeably more full than it did from pictures even a month and a half ago. I also swore I could see the beginning of a little bump under her shirt. I knew that she had promised her husband that they could start trying after a trip to Mexico in Feb, so I knew it was highly likely my suspicions were right, but was hopeful when I walked in and she was holding onto a beer. But it was just a facade and they were indeed pregnant. Within the first hour, her husband made the announcement that they would be expecting in January. And then they had to go on and on about how they got pregnant the first month trying and about how frickin’ fertile they are. That was the moment I almost lost it, but I got in a few platitudes and kept a frozen smile plastered on my face. Luckily, the mother in the group jumped all over the announcement with all sorts of questions and it wasn’t very obvious that I was essentially a deaf mute.
That night I was the first to retire to bed and I got as far as getting my jewelry off before the sobbing began. The husband and I just laid in bed with me just sobbing about the entire day and him telling me that he was so proud of how strong I had been up there and how well I handled it. (PS – can I also note that we got stuck on the futon – we even were getting the short end of the sleeping arrangement stick for the 2nd time in 3 years).
I woke up the next day feeling a little better, but my eyes felt practically glued together with the tears. There was much more mommy talk the next day, as one of the girls had a baby in November (and off the cuff said that she hopes to get pregnant again soon – oh great, she can be the first to double lap me!), the newly announcement mommy-to-be, and the last girl gleefully telling us that this was their first month trying (so I need to brace myself for that announcement any month now!). I felt so disconnected all day. I felt like I was just listening and listening and listening and no one cared to ask me anything at all about my life. Seriously not one leading question had been asked to even bring up my dog, or how work has been stressing me out, or even possibility letting them in on what I’ve been going through. It had been my plan to tell them, but now I wasn’t sure. That night my husband told me that he even noticed that I seemed to be placed on the outside. I went to bed sad with myself that I had allowed myself to be so closed off from them these last months and that I must be putting up a giant shield around myself that even they could sense without really knowing it.
The next day, I decided that no matter what – I would find a time to tell them. A few moments came and went, because the boys were too close in earshot, I did not want one of them coming over and interrupting. Finally there was a moment on the dock, when the boys had gone upstairs. The conversation even turned in a way, that it wasn’t totally out of the blue what I was about to say. I was so nervous… my heart was racing. I finally got up the courage and broached the topic. I could see at first that they had no idea what to say. They asked some questions about what the doctor said and if the surgery should fix it, but then there were some huge “pregnant” pauses. It felt good to tell them, but I still felt on the outskirts.
I hate that going through this is making me retreat from people, I hate feeling so lonely, I hate feeling so hopeless sometimes, I hate feeling so despondent.
Hopefully tomorrow will be better! Or at least my crazy work will distract me.
Last month, I emailed a friend to ask what the tube checking procedure was called that did before becoming pregnant (it is a Hysterosalpingogram (HSG) btw!). After she wrote back, I responded with a short update on what was going on with me as she was one of the first people I confided in about trying to conceive. I told her about the surgery (included the date which has since passed), that I was having reservations and felt very torn on if I should have it or not. I did not ask her any specific questions in my email, but I sent it 25 days ago. She never responded, she never inquired once if I decided to have the surgery or not. She didn’t call or email after June 1st to see how it went if it went.
I miss my friend and sort of feel like that now that she is pregnant that I’ve been forgotten! It is already difficult feeling like I am not a part of the mommy club that more and more friends join every month, but it hurts even worse when those friends don’t take the effort to take interest in what is going on in your life. Sometimes this fertility struggle can make make you feel isolated emotionally.
But just when I was feeling alone, another pregnant friend IM’d me today to ask again what day I was having surgery. She told me that even though it sounded weird that she was very excited for it to be here because she was hoping so much that it would clear up my fertility issues. Then she told me that she would be bringing over dinner in the days after surgery. It made me feel so good to have a friend so strongly in my corner! It is amazing how much a little kindness and concern can mean!
I had my first run in five weeks today. It felt soooo amazing! I started out just walking, but when I hit the one mile mark – I decided to just start jogging. I started very, very slow and easy, but with every stride I sped up a little bit. The fear melted away and before I knew it I was rockin’ out to Britney in my earbuds and bounding home without the fear of knocking free a teeny, tiny embryo trying to implant. I’ve been avoiding running and working out entirely since I ovulated this month for fear of interfering with a possible pregnancy.
When we first started trying, I was so focused on getting in better shape to prepare for giving birth. I figured that if there was ever a time that being in good shape would pay off – this was it! Lots of core exercises! But as the months went by and I wasn’t pregnant – I started feeling like, “well if I can’t be pregnant, I can have a hot body!” So each month, I took it a little bit more serious – running drills, daily food diaries with the help of MyFitnessPal.com, and a new love affair with the Bar Method workouts. I can honestly say that looking back it was never out of control. I only lost 8 pounds (still in the higher mid range of a healthy BMI for my height) and my exercises were never more than 3-4 hours total per week, but still there was the coincidence that the two months when I was working out the hardest and getting the most comments about looking trimmer was when I skipped ovulation. The next month, I was very busy at work and almost completely stopped working out and I ovulated that month. It was enough of a coincidence to stop me in my tracks this month. I know that overall good health is so important, so I am going to ease back into running and working out. Maybe I won’t work out with the intensity I did before, but I can’t sit scared on the sidelines!
Life can be so unfair and also so beautiful. I feel more at peace with the lack of control I have over this entire fertility process these days. I figure I can only do exactly as the doctor orders, but there is no need to impose additional rules and restrictions on myself in an effort to assert more control over the situation. So I ditched my hesitations and hit the road!