Monthly Archives: August 2011

Birthday Blues

Today is my birthday and I can’t help but feel a little glum today. It is depressing to know that my eggs are now a year older. I know that I am still young-ish for this IF game, but I worry about how even more difficult conceiving a second and third child will be in the future. My DH and I have always wanted a larger family of 3-4, but now we just need to worry about conceiving the first one. I feel like not only am I disappointed we are still trying to conceive, but that I am grieving the loss of the family we had always pictured. I know I am getting ahead of myself a bit, but it feels true. In my head I thought that if we could easily get pregnant post-lap that there was a chance that we could have easy conceptions in the future. But every month that goes by could mean there are other issues at work too. I really do need to cut myself a break and breathe and give it some more time.

This last cycle, I had so much hope. It was my first full cycle after the endo laproscopy and using Clomid. I had been religious about taking all my pills. Plus we had discovered Preseed to help with my mucus issues. It felt like so much was different than past tries and surely these changes would tip the scale in our favor. It also seemed so perfect that we could get a BFP for our birthdays. My DH’s 30th birthday was on Friday and my 29th today. Plus the baby would have been due on April 24th, AFTER tax season. This is a big deal to us as my husband works in public accounting. It just felt like the stars were aligning.

Early BFNs were followed by the arrival of my period on Wednesday. I cried all the way to work two days in a row. Recently, my car has become my crying safe place. I must have too much time to think in there, because I know I am always at a higher risk of becoming a blabbering mess when driving alone.

So today I am blue about not being pregnant. Instead of going to the pool or doing anything social, fun and distracting, I’ve been moping around the house. The DH has been napping for the last few hours as he had a 24 visit to Chicago for a bachelor party yesterday. So he hasn’t had a chance to curb the pity party taking place on the couch.

Anyone else notice today, that despite the heat it is starting to feel like Indian Summer? I love summer and I am annoyed at myself for wasting one of the last good pool weekends. It is time to peel myself off the couch and get moving. Laying here is not going to make ANYTHING better. Today I took my first Clomid dose for the month, so it is time to look forward again and stop dwelling in what hasn’t happened!



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Little Lesson Learned

My husband and I have been talking about taking a vacation for a LONG time. Neither of us have taken more than a few days off in a row since our honeymoon. So we decided to take the plunge on booking a 2nd anniversary trip! We got prices on a few resorts in Punta Cana from a travel agent. We only waited 36 hours to get him our choice and the price had gone up significantly. There were only a few rooms available at that very discounted rate. I was so disappointed!!!! These feelings compounded with my BFN sadness from earlier this week. I went into full spin whining to my husband about how it feels like we never catch a break. He does not entertain my pity parties. Our conversations about not being pregnant go the same way everytime. I can’t believe how much time has already passed since we started trying and then I begin exploring the worst case scenarios. DH is always more positive and reaffirms that despite all this baby stuff we are so blessed in every other way and need to be thankful. I know that he is correct, but sometimes it is hard to see beyond our inability so far to get pregnant.

So this conversation replayed itself yet again after I was bummed out on missing such an amazing deal. By the time I went to bed, I was finally able to see that option #2 for vacation was pretty darn amazing too. The next day, I came across this writing by St. Francis de Sales. It was a little lesson that applied directly to my tantrum the day before…

“Soon we shall be in eternity, and then we shall see how very petty are the things of this earth and how inconsequential it is whether we are involved in them or not. Now we get all worked up as if the were terribly important! When we were small children, how carefully we collected pieces of wood, stone and such to build huts, and if someone knocked them down we cried; then we were all put out, but now we understand how unimportant these things were. We will feel the same way one day in Heaven, when we see that all our preoccupations in this world were nothing but childish concerns. Be faithful to your duties, but be convinced that there is nothing more worthy or more important than eternal salvation and the perfection of your soul .” (Letters 455; O. XIX, p. 22)

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Hopeful Avoidance

You may have noticed that it has been pretty quiet on my blog since surgery. I hoped and almost certainly believed I would definitely get pregnant right away. Therefore, there was no need to blog about infertility, but now I feel my hope wavering a bit. I also still feel new to the infertility communtiy and wonder what right I have to complain when I haven’t had to fight the emotional and physical battles of miscarriages, IUIs and IVFs? What if I did become pregnant “naturally” (with a just a little help from Clomid) and there are all these other deserving women who have been through so much more and may have to continue waiting for their nugget? I always imagine that more veteran IFers are sometimes thinking, ‘oh honey – you haven’t seen bad yet!’

Recently though, I have been making peace with the reality that everyones TTC story is different. My situation may turn out to be easier than lots but it is also more difficult than the typical TTC experience for those lucky 5 out of 6 couples who don’t have to struggle.

So I have decided it is time to reclaim my blog to share my journey and work through the sometimes complicated and messy emotions that infertility stirs up! I hope that you’ll comment and share your experiences too in the comments. I am looking forward to reconnecting with everyone!!!

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Little Nugget on TV….wait…Seriously!!!

I was at the gym tonight with my husband. I was riding a bike and he was behind me on a treadmill. I was peddling, minding my own business, catching up on my google reader and pinning all sorts of cute decorating ideas. The DH calls from behind, “check out the cute nugget on tv!” I look up and there is the cutest baby on TV. I keep watching without the sound because I am totally obsessed with babies despite my efforts to reduce the pain causing exposure :). Then the scene cuts to a crying mother – ah oh, this must be a sad story. Then it cuts to someone shooting up!!!! Cut to commercial and the banner announces the show is ‘Addicted at Birth’ about crack babies. SERIOUSLY!!! Look back at the DH and see his attention has shifted back to the baseball game. He has avoided the horror of this seriously unfit mother. Lucky guy! Now I need to put the image out of my mind and accept (again) that life is never fair.

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