When Did My Heart Go Missing?

I was in the bathroom this morning, waiting for the pee to dry on my negative pregnancy test. I decided to pull up my email on my phone to make the process go more quickly. There I found an email from a college roommate.

First a little back story, she got pregnant with her daughter her second month trying. Her daughter was born last November (btw it hasn’t even been a year). When I saw her in July, she had mentioned that she was weaning her daughter and they would be open to number two whenever.

When I had my surgery, I got a text saying that she hoped it went well. But other than that, her support for me during this process has been pretty non-existant. I do get text message pictures of her daughter though. I don’t mind gushing over my friends kids who also reciprocate and are interested in being there for me during this trying time.

So her email was letting me and our other two close sorority friends know that she was having a D&C on Tuesday. Of course, the way the email starting off saying there was news… I scanned quickly for the word pregnant to jump out. I guess I was almost relieved not to find that to be the case.

She had a normal first period and then a really light one the next month. Her first pregnancy test was negative, but then there was a positive one a few days later. After blood work and two sonograms, it was discovered that she had a blighted ovum. A blighted ovum (also known as “anembryonic pregnancy”) happens when a fertilized egg attaches itself to the uterine wall, but the embryo does not develop. Cells develop to form the pregnancy sac, but not the embryo itself. A blighted ovum usually occurs within the first trimester before a woman knows she is pregnant. A high level of chromosome abnormalities usually causes a woman’s body to naturally miscarry. http://www.americanpregnancy.org/pregnancycomplications/blightedovum.html

Upon re-reading her email now, I now feel awful for her and her husband that for the past month they thought they were pregnant. But I have to admit, as I was reading about this while my 13th month of negative pregnancy tests was staring back up at me from the counter, I did not feel bad for her. All I could think was she almost got pregnant again the second month of trying. Yes, it is sad that the fertilized egg didn’t develop into an embryo, but as soon as she recovers I’m sure she’ll be pregnant again in a few months and this will only be a blip on her memory.

I think my heart is starting to turn to ice. How could I not feel anything for my friend upon reading that email? I told my husband that I am heartless and that he should run as far away as possible. And then I strapped on my running shoes to try and forget that I was heartless and starting to feel like a shell of a person somedays.

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3 Comments

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3 responses to “When Did My Heart Go Missing?

  1. strugglingwithbipolar

    Wow! I’m dealing with infertility. I’ve had two pregnancies two years apart. Both ended in miscarriage. I’ve also had 2 failed IUI attempts in 2010. I feel the way you do sometimes. Your friend wasn’t there for you when you had your miscarriage, but perhaps she didn’t understand until she had her own.

    • Sorry to hear about everything you’ve gone through. I know from living it that month after month of negative pregnancy tests is so hard. But I have always suspected that a miscarriage would probably be even harder, since the dream of having a baby would be real even if for a short while, only to have it taken away. Hope there is a miracle in your future!

  2. You are not at all heartless. You are a fabulous, caring person who is going through a really difficult time and are just trying to cope. You are doing an amazing job with that. I hope that once these feelings cool off you can see what an awesome person you are and how much you deserve time to grieve and process the really hard feelings that come with this crappy situation. *big hugs*

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