I was at the gym tonight with my husband. I was riding a bike and he was behind me on a treadmill. I was peddling, minding my own business, catching up on my google reader and pinning all sorts of cute decorating ideas. The DH calls from behind, “check out the cute nugget on tv!” I look up and there is the cutest baby on TV. I keep watching without the sound because I am totally obsessed with babies despite my efforts to reduce the pain causing exposure :). Then the scene cuts to a crying mother – ah oh, this must be a sad story. Then it cuts to someone shooting up!!!! Cut to commercial and the banner announces the show is ‘Addicted at Birth’ about crack babies. SERIOUSLY!!! Look back at the DH and see his attention has shifted back to the baseball game. He has avoided the horror of this seriously unfit mother. Lucky guy! Now I need to put the image out of my mind and accept (again) that life is never fair.
I had my first run in five weeks today. It felt soooo amazing! I started out just walking, but when I hit the one mile mark – I decided to just start jogging. I started very, very slow and easy, but with every stride I sped up a little bit. The fear melted away and before I knew it I was rockin’ out to Britney in my earbuds and bounding home without the fear of knocking free a teeny, tiny embryo trying to implant. I’ve been avoiding running and working out entirely since I ovulated this month for fear of interfering with a possible pregnancy.
When we first started trying, I was so focused on getting in better shape to prepare for giving birth. I figured that if there was ever a time that being in good shape would pay off – this was it! Lots of core exercises! But as the months went by and I wasn’t pregnant – I started feeling like, “well if I can’t be pregnant, I can have a hot body!” So each month, I took it a little bit more serious – running drills, daily food diaries with the help of MyFitnessPal.com, and a new love affair with the Bar Method workouts. I can honestly say that looking back it was never out of control. I only lost 8 pounds (still in the higher mid range of a healthy BMI for my height) and my exercises were never more than 3-4 hours total per week, but still there was the coincidence that the two months when I was working out the hardest and getting the most comments about looking trimmer was when I skipped ovulation. The next month, I was very busy at work and almost completely stopped working out and I ovulated that month. It was enough of a coincidence to stop me in my tracks this month. I know that overall good health is so important, so I am going to ease back into running and working out. Maybe I won’t work out with the intensity I did before, but I can’t sit scared on the sidelines!
Life can be so unfair and also so beautiful. I feel more at peace with the lack of control I have over this entire fertility process these days. I figure I can only do exactly as the doctor orders, but there is no need to impose additional rules and restrictions on myself in an effort to assert more control over the situation. So I ditched my hesitations and hit the road!
I thought I had almost made it through my first Clomid cycle without any obvious side effects, but might be wrong. I have a terrible head cold also going on, so the symptoms could also be a combination of the hormones and the sickness. Last night, I woke up at 2am with my shirt drenched in sweat and having a panic attack over how hot it was under the covers. After flying out of bed and to the kitchen for some water, I realized that it wasn’t the temperature in the room that was to blame. Clomid, perhaps? Now today, I have the most painful canker sores. I use to get them all the time, but haven’t had any in a long time. Ouch! Why can’t I stop poking my tongue at them!
I will gladly take a hot flash and a canker sore any day over being super weepy though! I’ve been feeling remarkably even keeled as of late. I’m working hard at trying to find a place of peace and acceptance with the process and to find some patience.
I went to a Catholic, high school and get emails form the school with quotes from the writings of the Visitation Order’s founder, St. Francis De Sales. Sometimes it is uncanny how they speak to exactly what is going on in my life at that moment. Today I received this one and thought I would share…
“Be strong and constant in your resolution to hand over your heart totally and entirely to God, since there is nothing better that you could do; but do not ask for crosses and trials to test your fidelity. Instead of this, await and accept what God sends you. Your fidelity will be tested in thousands of other ways in humility, in pleasant manners, in charity, in cordial service, in being affectionate and loving toward your neighbor. May God give you the gifts of patience and fortitude, because you will have the opportunity to make use of them.” (Letters 2006; O. XXI, pp. 53-54)