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Birthday Blues

Today is my birthday and I can’t help but feel a little glum today. It is depressing to know that my eggs are now a year older. I know that I am still young-ish for this IF game, but I worry about how even more difficult conceiving a second and third child will be in the future. My DH and I have always wanted a larger family of 3-4, but now we just need to worry about conceiving the first one. I feel like not only am I disappointed we are still trying to conceive, but that I am grieving the loss of the family we had always pictured. I know I am getting ahead of myself a bit, but it feels true. In my head I thought that if we could easily get pregnant post-lap that there was a chance that we could have easy conceptions in the future. But every month that goes by could mean there are other issues at work too. I really do need to cut myself a break and breathe and give it some more time.

This last cycle, I had so much hope. It was my first full cycle after the endo laproscopy and using Clomid. I had been religious about taking all my pills. Plus we had discovered Preseed to help with my mucus issues. It felt like so much was different than past tries and surely these changes would tip the scale in our favor. It also seemed so perfect that we could get a BFP for our birthdays. My DH’s 30th birthday was on Friday and my 29th today. Plus the baby would have been due on April 24th, AFTER tax season. This is a big deal to us as my husband works in public accounting. It just felt like the stars were aligning.

Early BFNs were followed by the arrival of my period on Wednesday. I cried all the way to work two days in a row. Recently, my car has become my crying safe place. I must have too much time to think in there, because I know I am always at a higher risk of becoming a blabbering mess when driving alone.

So today I am blue about not being pregnant. Instead of going to the pool or doing anything social, fun and distracting, I’ve been moping around the house. The DH has been napping for the last few hours as he had a 24 visit to Chicago for a bachelor party yesterday. So he hasn’t had a chance to curb the pity party taking place on the couch.

Anyone else notice today, that despite the heat it is starting to feel like Indian Summer? I love summer and I am annoyed at myself for wasting one of the last good pool weekends. It is time to peel myself off the couch and get moving. Laying here is not going to make ANYTHING better. Today I took my first Clomid dose for the month, so it is time to look forward again and stop dwelling in what hasn’t happened!

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