Tag Archives: disappointment

Birthday Blues

Today is my birthday and I can’t help but feel a little glum today. It is depressing to know that my eggs are now a year older. I know that I am still young-ish for this IF game, but I worry about how even more difficult conceiving a second and third child will be in the future. My DH and I have always wanted a larger family of 3-4, but now we just need to worry about conceiving the first one. I feel like not only am I disappointed we are still trying to conceive, but that I am grieving the loss of the family we had always pictured. I know I am getting ahead of myself a bit, but it feels true. In my head I thought that if we could easily get pregnant post-lap that there was a chance that we could have easy conceptions in the future. But every month that goes by could mean there are other issues at work too. I really do need to cut myself a break and breathe and give it some more time.

This last cycle, I had so much hope. It was my first full cycle after the endo laproscopy and using Clomid. I had been religious about taking all my pills. Plus we had discovered Preseed to help with my mucus issues. It felt like so much was different than past tries and surely these changes would tip the scale in our favor. It also seemed so perfect that we could get a BFP for our birthdays. My DH’s 30th birthday was on Friday and my 29th today. Plus the baby would have been due on April 24th, AFTER tax season. This is a big deal to us as my husband works in public accounting. It just felt like the stars were aligning.

Early BFNs were followed by the arrival of my period on Wednesday. I cried all the way to work two days in a row. Recently, my car has become my crying safe place. I must have too much time to think in there, because I know I am always at a higher risk of becoming a blabbering mess when driving alone.

So today I am blue about not being pregnant. Instead of going to the pool or doing anything social, fun and distracting, I’ve been moping around the house. The DH has been napping for the last few hours as he had a 24 visit to Chicago for a bachelor party yesterday. So he hasn’t had a chance to curb the pity party taking place on the couch.

Anyone else notice today, that despite the heat it is starting to feel like Indian Summer? I love summer and I am annoyed at myself for wasting one of the last good pool weekends. It is time to peel myself off the couch and get moving. Laying here is not going to make ANYTHING better. Today I took my first Clomid dose for the month, so it is time to look forward again and stop dwelling in what hasn’t happened!

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NY Trip

Some good friends got married in the Catskills of NY two weekends ago, so 8 couples hopped on an airplane.  First we had a few days in the big city and then we drove up state for some good old-fashioned wedding fun!  All in all, I had a great time, but there were definitely moments I had to give myself some pep talks to keep up the good attitude.  I did not enjoy NYC as much this time around as I have in the past – period disappointment put a damper on my spirits a bit.  Also, I am not 22 like the last time I visited, now I am older and need more sleep =)   Everyone was trying to act like we were 22 again and when you’re trying to take better care of your body, drinking and hardly sleeping did not interest me much.  The baby talk though was fairly minimized though by this endeavor by everyone to act like college kids again. So that was refreshing!

It was a little exhausting to be with friends for 5 days straight and be “happy” all the time.  I am definitely an introvert so this would have been trying without burying my disappointment that my period started.  Plus on the first day, I felt awful!  And as the weekend went on my bloating was out of control!

This was sort of our infertile “coming out” trip.  A few couples knew before the trip, but spending 5 days with your friends definitely gives you a lot of time to talk.  So a few people asked in conversation about when we might start trying to have kids and that is a pretty good opening to let them know.  Two couples brought it up because they had been told by others and wanted to let us know that they were there for us.  Feeling all the support of our friends and finally not having to tell little white lies all the time helped to put me in a much better mood.  It was curious though, the only person whom I did not talk to about it at all was the wife of my husband’s  good friend (whom he had told a few weeks before the trip) who is dealing with PCOS, who had previously found out she’d had a spontaneous conception only when it was miscarrying, and is on doing her third IUI cycle this month.  Everyone has their own ways of dealing and self-preservation, so I know someday we will talk about it, but if now she doesn’t want to, I completely understand.

I felt very self-conscious though about a small crying breakdown I had that she witnessed.  The night of the rehearsal dinner, despite my intentions to take better care of myself, I had a few drinks and was feeling very giddy and clumsy.  Up in the hotel room, I couldn’t find my contact case and was going to use two of the glasses to store my contacts overnight.  I knocked one off the counter and it shattered all over the ceramic tile.  The broken pieces bounced up and cut my legs in several places.  At first, I was laughing because it was so typical of me to be clumsy.  As I was picking up the pieces, I realized that I was bleeding.  I sat down on the toilet to put compression on the nicks to stop the bleeding.  These were not gashes at all – they were like small shaving nicks.  But they would not stop bleeding!  She helped me go and get some band-aids.  I had already felt sort of gloomy under the surface all day and knew that I just wanted a good cry.  Well now I had a reason, I started crying because I was mad at the stupid blood thinners I have to take, I was mad at infertility, and I was a little drunk.  So there I was crying about some stupid little cuts when she got back.  I was so embarrassed that I was making such a fuss in front of her, who has been through sooo much more!  She was the best though and helped to make it not such a big deal!

The wedding the next day was beautiful!  The scenery was beautiful, the food was amazing and the dancing was so very much fun!  It was a very emotional ceremony as the bride had lost her mother the year before to Ovarian cancer.  There a moment during the ceremony to pause and remember those who could not be there and this huge breeze came through.  It honestly felt like it was her saying – hey honey, I’m here!  There wasn’t a dry eye in the crowd.  I heard a few of the boys say, I’m glad I had sunglasses on!

One of my new mommy friends, who complained all the time about not being able to drink while pregnant, said to me twice that night “I feel so bad for M, not being able to drink this weekend.”  Really, you’re going to say that to the girl who wants to be pregnant but can’t, about the actual pregnant girl!?!  No I really don’t feel bad for her at all.  I was glad that I finally got the chance to tell E that yes, I too had been sober at both weddings last fall when she was making such a huge fuss over her pregnancy and the small sacrifices that required and really it is not that big of a deal!  It did spark a small conversation about how yes, she was so very lucky to get pregnant so easily and I think the light went on in her head a bit that she should think before speaking.

All in all it was a great trip, but I definitely pushed it too hard and came down with wicked head cold that is just today (almost two weeks later), finally clearing up completely.   I’m glad to be rid of my souvenir from New York!

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Clomid Side Effects… Twin Nuggets?

Today was my third daily dosage of Clomid… So far so good. I haven’t noticed any side effects. Some quick reading on message boards had me bracing for some MAJOR mood swings. Turns out though that less than 1% of woman report mood swings. It appears that the side effect with the highest risk is twins. I’ve read statistics up to 10%, but my doctor quoted 5% and pointed out the typical pregnancy results in twins 2% of the time already.

My husband and I were intrigued with the idea of someday having twins before we even started trying to conceive and now it feels like a pretty efficient scenario. My father-in-law has twin brothers and my mom’s father was a twin, so it already runs in the family. We get pretty excited about the idea of twin nuggets (although I did just read up on the risks if multiples which is a bit sobering).

A side effect of the Clomid that I am concerned about is vaginal dryness. I already have been taking 1200 mg of Mucinex twice daily starting when my period stops through ovulation. It is suppose to help with my diminishing mucus patterns, but I can’t say that I’ve noticed much of a difference. A friend was just telling me that the book, “Taking Control of Your Fertility,” suggests using egg whites as a homeopathic remedy to supplement your natural mucus. I am interested in finding how that exactly works?!?

If you are interested in finding out more about Clomid side effects, check out this link…
http://infertility.about.com/od/clomid/tp/clomid_side_effects.htm

I’m glad to not be experiencing any side effects, but I also don’t have a gut feeling that this will work. I just need to give it more time – I’m sure I will follow my typical emotional trajectory. I start the month slightly depressed, come out of my period feeling very realistic and accepting of our situation, then the hope slowly builds until it reaches illogical peaks where the three negative pregnancy tests are wrong! (Sigh)… another month of hoping and suspense – maybe this will be the month the two week wait doesn’t end with disappointment again.

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Do What Feels Right For You

I held out hope, but it is time to recharge emotionally to start my cycle over again. I really need to stop with the early pregnancy tests because I never believe the results and the little buggers are an annoying expense, but I can’t stop myself! So here I am three negative pregnancy tests later, the spotting has started and Aunt Flo will surely make her full appearance later today. As the chance gradually slips away with each test, I ease into the news – 50% chance the test is missing the baby hormones, 18% chance, 2% chance, then the arrival of my period. But by that point I am almost fully expecting it’s arrival, so I am only 2% disappointed. I feel much more at peace this month. This is good news, because I really do not want to ruin another fun trip for myself with my internal bad mood. I don’t feel the need to curl up in a ball and be alone this time. I am so excited to escape to NY for an extended weekend!

We did leave the doctor’s office on Monday with a short term plan of attack. I mentally and emotionally could not handle everything going on in my professional life and deal with my surgery apprehension. I was able to grill the dr on how many procedures has he completed, what are the worst complications that he has seen, the recovery, the percent chance that he’ll find endometriosis when he goes in, and about my other options. This is a surgery he has performed hundreds of times with only a few cases with complications. It sounds like he takes a very conservative approach to the procedure as not damage any organs while removing the endometriosis. He expects 85-90% chance that he will definitely find endometriosis.

After the appointment, I canceled the surgery for June 1st. I left feeling sure that I should undergo the procedyre, but I wasn’t prepared emotionally yet and it seemed like the world was giving me reason after reason why this was not the month. I filled my prescription for Clomid to take in June. Hopefully, the first time will be a charm! But if it is not, we have marked off July 6th on the calendar to reschedule the procedure. This time, I won’t feel rushed into it and hopefully feel much better about it. I have stopped waking up at night feeling panicy since we canceled… I think that is definitely a sign that I made the right decision for me this month!

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Expecting Beginner’s Luck

At the very beginning, I expected that my fertility monitor would inform the perfect timing to conceive and that would be it.  I’d take a pregnancy test two weeks later and there would be two lines.  Why wouldn’t it work that way?  I had been off birth control for months, had been charting and using NFP to avoid pregnancy, the back end of my period had been consistent., and I felt very informed.   When friends would mention that it took them a few months to get pregnant, I always figured that it was because they were just not in tune with their body.

Our parent’s didn’t have any problem getting pregnant.  My parent’s joke that my dad only had to look at my mom and she was pregnant and my husband’s birthday is exactly 9 months after his parent’s wedding anniversary.

I’ve heard so many friends proclaim that they “just knew” that they would have problems getting pregnant.  Ironically – one of those girls got pregnant on accident the first month after stopping the pill.  Another,  got pregnant the second month trying.  I was never feared having trouble getting pregnant.  I truly believed that at the most it would take three months – at the most.

We were expecting beginner’s luck and that positive test at the end of the month, so we checked out “What to Expect While You Are Expecting” from the library.  I signed up for weekly pregnancy updates and began cutting all the no-no items out of my diet.   I started bookmarking cribs and bedding online.  It only took a few months, to learn that this type of behavior was not good for self-preservation.

The weekend before my first expected missed period was a good friend’s wedding.  I pretended to sip beers on the trolley and drank soda water with a lime while I daydreamed about revealing my sneaky ways in a few months when we’d announce the pregnancy.

The month ended with early pregnancy tests and only slightly tempered hopes after the first was negative.  I knew of a friend who only discovered she was pregnant after the second test – the first was taken too early.  But then the cramping started, followed shortly thereafter by my period.  We were disappointed, but convinced that the next month would be the month.

The next month played out similarly again – another sober wedding, more pregnancy tests.  This time though there was a bladder infection from our overly eager efforts.  The doctor warned that since I was sick, it would hurt our chances, but that didn’t diminish my hopes.   Then there was the month my husband was out of town for work exactly on the day I ovulated.   Then there was another bladder infection.  Then there was the month we didn’t try because the baby would be due on my brother’s wedding.  It was easy to explain away why my period kept coming, but the nagging feeling that something might be wrong.

Looking back at this time now, I am mourning the loss of the excitement and anticipation.  It was so fun to imagine our baby and what traits he / she would inherit from us, what names we liked, and how we would be as parents.  I miss that feeling.  It still happens every once and a while, but there is a lot more guarded optimism.

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