I was in a MAJOR funk Saturday. The night before, we ate dinner at a friend’s house and had lots of baby time with their four month old cutie, which at the time was so fun and enjoyable. But I always get a baby hangover the next day! It is such a strong reminder of what we are missing and brings me crashing back to harsh reality.
On Saturday, I lounged in bed and on the couch all day to compensate for overdoing it physically on Saturday. I felt like such a waste of space! My to-do list has been growing since the surgery and it feels overwhelming since I am not yet fully recovered and back to normal to attack it. Laying about also gives you way too much time to feel sorry for yourself. I realized as I aimlessly surfed Facebook that day that 75% of the time I allow it to make me feel bad. It is a virtual, emotional minefield for me.
If Facebook isn’t making me sad about not having a child of my own, it makes me frustrated every time I see another pregnancy announcement. When I see vacation pictures, it makes me feel bad that we were a little irresponsible with our spending this winter/spring and now need to postpone taking a vacation until we get back on track with saving. I wonder how other friends lives can look so gosh darn picture perfect? I feel the need to care more about my personal appearance when I see girls with cute outfits, perfect hair and makeup, and toned bodies. Or I just wonder if we are enjoying life as much as it looks like other people do? But that is just it, Facebook only shows you what everyone else’s lives look like from the surface. I certainly did not post pictures of me from surgery. There are happy smiling pictures from the lake weekend with friends, but there are no pictures of me crying myself to sleep the first night of the trip. There is a great picture of me and my husband from the wedding trip to New York, but it doesn’t show the added relationship strain we’ve had to work through because of our fertility issues.
I know this is my issue that I need to work on improving and not Facebook’s fault – although I would love to lay the blame there! After conversations with my husband and inner reflectance, I am realizing that by putting such emphasis on the “outer scorecard” through comparisions and not my “inner” scorecard, I am making the pain of not being able to get pregnant even harder on myself in addition to a host of other outside pressures.
By Saturday evening, I decided I needed a break from Facebook to really work on my own priorities without the influence and time suck it provides. I did not deactivate my account, but decided to treat it more like a cleanse. I deleted the app from both my phone and iPad. I am promising myself I will not log in on my laptop unless I receive an email notification of tagged pics or comments. So far I have been Facebook free for 36 hours!