So today I am 10 days past my supposed ovulation. My temp spiked last Tuesday, but my fertility monitor never picked up a peak day. And between all the baby dancing, pre-seed and my natural lack of cervical mucus… I still can’t read my mucus signs after 18 months of charting!
I took a pregnancy test again this morning and still not even the faintest second line. So definitely negative, but still early. I was having a hard time holding out any hope for this month, but my peak+7 bloodwork came back yesterday. My progesterone level was at 21 ng/mL and my estadiol level was 421 pg/mL. These are both good and high like last month. So i guess this means that I did ovulate. The nurse sounded so darn optimistic last month and was asking if I had taken a pregnancy test because the numbers were showing that my hormone levels were really good. But still no luck last month, so what does that really mean?!?
This post outlines what exactly progesterone and estrodiol actually do… https://waitingforthenugget.wordpress.com/2011/09/03/peak-7-bloodwork/
I guess something positive is that I had these levels again on a lesser dose of Clomid. So maybe acupuncture is helping? It was nice being on lower dose of Clomid, my ovaries felt less like they wanted to explode!
I just want so badly to be pregnant! Why can’t I make this work? I feel like I am doing everything I can.
Off to work… I have so much to accomplish today before leaving on vacation. I just can’t make myself care. Seems to be a common theme these days.
I was in the bathroom this morning, waiting for the pee to dry on my negative pregnancy test. I decided to pull up my email on my phone to make the process go more quickly. There I found an email from a college roommate.
First a little back story, she got pregnant with her daughter her second month trying. Her daughter was born last November (btw it hasn’t even been a year). When I saw her in July, she had mentioned that she was weaning her daughter and they would be open to number two whenever.
When I had my surgery, I got a text saying that she hoped it went well. But other than that, her support for me during this process has been pretty non-existant. I do get text message pictures of her daughter though. I don’t mind gushing over my friends kids who also reciprocate and are interested in being there for me during this trying time.
So her email was letting me and our other two close sorority friends know that she was having a D&C on Tuesday. Of course, the way the email starting off saying there was news… I scanned quickly for the word pregnant to jump out. I guess I was almost relieved not to find that to be the case.
She had a normal first period and then a really light one the next month. Her first pregnancy test was negative, but then there was a positive one a few days later. After blood work and two sonograms, it was discovered that she had a blighted ovum. A blighted ovum (also known as “anembryonic pregnancy”) happens when a fertilized egg attaches itself to the uterine wall, but the embryo does not develop. Cells develop to form the pregnancy sac, but not the embryo itself. A blighted ovum usually occurs within the first trimester before a woman knows she is pregnant. A high level of chromosome abnormalities usually causes a woman’s body to naturally miscarry. http://www.americanpregnancy.org/pregnancycomplications/blightedovum.html
Upon re-reading her email now, I now feel awful for her and her husband that for the past month they thought they were pregnant. But I have to admit, as I was reading about this while my 13th month of negative pregnancy tests was staring back up at me from the counter, I did not feel bad for her. All I could think was she almost got pregnant again the second month of trying. Yes, it is sad that the fertilized egg didn’t develop into an embryo, but as soon as she recovers I’m sure she’ll be pregnant again in a few months and this will only be a blip on her memory.
I think my heart is starting to turn to ice. How could I not feel anything for my friend upon reading that email? I told my husband that I am heartless and that he should run as far away as possible. And then I strapped on my running shoes to try and forget that I was heartless and starting to feel like a shell of a person somedays.
I was in a MAJOR funk Saturday. The night before, we ate dinner at a friend’s house and had lots of baby time with their four month old cutie, which at the time was so fun and enjoyable. But I always get a baby hangover the next day! It is such a strong reminder of what we are missing and brings me crashing back to harsh reality.
On Saturday, I lounged in bed and on the couch all day to compensate for overdoing it physically on Saturday. I felt like such a waste of space! My to-do list has been growing since the surgery and it feels overwhelming since I am not yet fully recovered and back to normal to attack it. Laying about also gives you way too much time to feel sorry for yourself. I realized as I aimlessly surfed Facebook that day that 75% of the time I allow it to make me feel bad. It is a virtual, emotional minefield for me.
If Facebook isn’t making me sad about not having a child of my own, it makes me frustrated every time I see another pregnancy announcement. When I see vacation pictures, it makes me feel bad that we were a little irresponsible with our spending this winter/spring and now need to postpone taking a vacation until we get back on track with saving. I wonder how other friends lives can look so gosh darn picture perfect? I feel the need to care more about my personal appearance when I see girls with cute outfits, perfect hair and makeup, and toned bodies. Or I just wonder if we are enjoying life as much as it looks like other people do? But that is just it, Facebook only shows you what everyone else’s lives look like from the surface. I certainly did not post pictures of me from surgery. There are happy smiling pictures from the lake weekend with friends, but there are no pictures of me crying myself to sleep the first night of the trip. There is a great picture of me and my husband from the wedding trip to New York, but it doesn’t show the added relationship strain we’ve had to work through because of our fertility issues.
I know this is my issue that I need to work on improving and not Facebook’s fault – although I would love to lay the blame there! After conversations with my husband and inner reflectance, I am realizing that by putting such emphasis on the “outer scorecard” through comparisions and not my “inner” scorecard, I am making the pain of not being able to get pregnant even harder on myself in addition to a host of other outside pressures.
By Saturday evening, I decided I needed a break from Facebook to really work on my own priorities without the influence and time suck it provides. I did not deactivate my account, but decided to treat it more like a cleanse. I deleted the app from both my phone and iPad. I am promising myself I will not log in on my laptop unless I receive an email notification of tagged pics or comments. So far I have been Facebook free for 36 hours!
I initially started this blog as an outlet to talk about my pregnancy struggles and hopefully to connect with other women who are or went through the same thing themselves. (Hopefully soon – some comments will start rolling in =)
My husband has very strong feelings about wanting to keep what is going on mainly to ourselves because he doesn’t want to our friends to feel sorry for us or worry when sharing their happy news. He can easily shove down the sad feelings and act like everything is okay.
I on the other hand have been feeling the word vomit starting to build for the last few months. The few friends who do know are a little tired of hearing my updates. I can tell when they quickly change the topic. In my defense, I do not think I have been excessively over sharing. I believe that people want to be there for you, but when it really comes down to it though the topic makes people uneasy. I always get the impression that people don’t really know what to offer as a response. I also get the impression that since it isn’t a happy topic – such as a new baby – that they don’t like to dwell on the topic. It sometimes feels unfair when it feels like whole nights of conversation are centered around the topic of being pregnant, giving birth, nursing, and other new mom topics. Sometimes I want to have a two-year old temper tantrum and just stomp my foot and declare that I want to talk about what is going on for me too!
In an effort to not become the “sad” reproductively challenged girl, I will bare my soul here. I hope that blogging will be cathartic and I can find the support I crave, without allowing myself to be a real downer socially.
I had a slow start to the blog, but today I began drafts for the train of conscious streaming at a rapid rate in my head. I think I already have the next month’s worth of posts already outlined. I wish that I could stay and write more now, but off to celebrate a 30th birthday! Here is to getting out my own problems and living!