Tag Archives: hope

What’s New?

I have been MIA lately on the blog. I keep oscillating between should I remove all the infertility obsession from my life (twitter, blogging, reading blogs, reading books on the topic, etc) to help me deal. Or is it healthy to accept and allow my obsessive ways. I think there is a happy medium between the two extremes that I need to find. So I am back… and here is a quick update on what has been going on in my life.

TODAY

I just sent back my final comments to my wedding photographer on our album proof… our TWO year Anniversary is Monday – haha! My photographer such an amazing job that I had the hardest time ever picking what photographs to use. Having the DVD of all the images didn’t help either as I could just flip through them anytime I wanted. I don’t like to think of myself as a procrastinator, but sometimes I am epic! Example 2 is the future nursery room that is essentially just a large catchall closet currently. Yes we purchased our home in the Winter of ’09 – we are coming up on three years. We talk about this room like the field of dreams… we need to clean it out and the baby will come. This thinking hasn’t yet produced action though =)

I added myself to the Stirrup Queen’s IComLeavWe (International Comment Week) October list. I’m hoping this will help me focus more on the blog – instead of just mentally outlining posts, but never writing them. More info here: http://www.stirrup-queens.com/2011/09/icomleavwe-october-2011/

It has been 3 months exactly since my endometriosis laproscopy – definitely thought I would be pregnant after three months… maybe fourth time is a charm?

THIS WEEK

Our little puppy Rosie got spayed on Tuesday (yes we got a puppy back in July – this is another whole blog entry). I joking told my husband this morning that she is like her Mommy now and can’t get pregnant! Normally she is crazy full of energy, but she is blissfully calm in her drugged up state. Sort of pathetic too in the cone head. The calmness is starting to wear off today already though, but that is good because it does not seem like she is in too much pain.

My husband went to dinner last night with his best friend, after he had noticed we were both so down on Friday night. I think that it was good for Joe to be able to talk to someone else besides me about what he is feeling. He also was able to share some of his feelings with me he hadn’t previously been able.

LAST WEEK

I officially started week 1 of the first cycle after a year of trying. I guess this technically makes me medically infertile now =(

I also found out that Charlotte, my friend who had the same endometriosis laproscopy procedure 6 days before me is pregnant. She had told me that she didn’t think she ovulated last month and was super down the last time I talked to her. So it was another one of the kick you in the gut pregnancy announcements because I had mentally put her in my safe, not pregnant box for another month. I know this should make me feel super hopeful that the surgery works. But I already knew the surgery works for a lot of people, but the reality is that everyone’s body is different. She was dealing with secondary infertility, so she already had answers to questions like, “maybe my eggs are just crappy?” My husband called at work and asked me to go somewhere private to call him and then he told me their news. I immediately just started crying. I spent probably 20 minutes on the phone with him, just sitting in front of my building at work crying. At times like that, I am sooooo tired of this journey and the reality is there could still be a very long road ahead of us. Charlotte was going to call me that night, but I had already been sort of weepy that day thanks to the Clomid and I just couldn’t handle it that day. The next day though, I mustered up my strength and happy voice and called her to wish them congrats. I realized why pregnancy announcements by close friends hurt the worst, because you would think you would be able to muster up the most happiness for those you care the most. It hurts because it feels so much like you are being left behind and excluded from a private club. It feels like a rift opens up a bit that separates the parents from the non-parents.

THIS PAST MONTH

I have added a few more layers of wellness to my get pregnant plan. I can’t stand to not change something from month to month. It just feels like Einstein’s definition of insanity… “doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” So last month after I ovulated, I started acupuncture and seeing a chiropractor right after I ovulated (both of these deserve a whole post too). It didn’t result in a BFP, but I have been seeing some other great outcomes from the treatments. Maybe this month, it will all pay off?

This month, I added in removing alcohol from my diet. I am sure I will fall off the horse, but I figure reducing it 90% has to only be a benefit. We will see how I do at the wedding and all-inclusive vacation we have planned before Aunt Flo could make her dreaded appearance.

My brother got married! I wore the size 14 bridesmaid dress (ordered when I thought for sure I would be pregnant) that was “altered” back down to a size 10. It still looked huge! The wedding was so much fun and they are so happy. I have a new love of weddings currently. They are events filled with so much hope for the future – how can you not help but love them?

That pretty much covers the big stuff. Until next time!

HUGS to all, Kelly

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Deja Vu

This is a completely repeat of last month with the negative pregnancy test after pregnancy test, then the light brown spotting, the achy boobs, and the bloated abdomen.  But still, I am holding out the smallest amount of hope that maybe I could still be pregnant!  That maybe the spotting was implantation bleeding and that the pregnancy tests were just too early.  Tomorrow is 14 days past ovulation and the day I predicted on my chart for my period.  Luckily I am out of pregnancy tests, but there can always be that last kick in the gut of the basal body temperature shift down in the morning.  Soon I will know and will need to start fully accepting that the Clomid didn’t work and the surgery will really be happening in 9 days.

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The Miracle Babies

My friend good friend, Krysti texted me yesterday to let me know that her ultrasound showed  she is having a girl.  In honor of her pink bundle of joy arriving in November, I am going to tell her and my friend, Nancy’s stories.

Being 28, I do not have a ton of friends dealing yet with infertility issues, but know of two miracle babies.  First there was Nancy, her and her husband decided to start trying to have a baby soon after getting married.  She went off of birth control and her period never came.  She was quickly diagnosed with Polycystic Ovary Syndrome.  She started with all the hormones and such, but it wasn’t working.  As she was just starting to grapple with the costs of IUI and IVF, she was driving home one day and heard an ad on the radio for a drug trial for an IVF drug that included free IVF.  She applied and was accepted in the trial.   After her initial bloodwork, she got a phone call that she needed to come in for an ultrasound because the tests were showing she was pregnant.  They warned her not to get too excited because the hormones and such could cause a false positive, but it wasn’t!  She had a “spontaneous conception” – they couldn’t even pin point when she had gotten pregnant because she hadn’t had her period in months.   AJ was born on November 13, 2008!  It turns out he was one of three babies conceived by the trial participants between the time they found out they were accepted in the trial and before it actually began.

Then this year, my friend Krysti, had been trying to conceive for 14 months.  She went through all the testing and she got that super frustrating diagnoses of unexplained infertility.  She had done one round of IUI, but had to take the next month off because the drugs had caused her to develop a cyst on her ovary that needed to go away before the next round.  Frustrated with the lack of a medical explination, she quit her high stress job.  Two weeks later during her “month off” she got pregnant!

So both these stories leave me wondering, how much does stress and anxiety really play in conception?

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Clomid Side Effects… Twin Nuggets?

Today was my third daily dosage of Clomid… So far so good. I haven’t noticed any side effects. Some quick reading on message boards had me bracing for some MAJOR mood swings. Turns out though that less than 1% of woman report mood swings. It appears that the side effect with the highest risk is twins. I’ve read statistics up to 10%, but my doctor quoted 5% and pointed out the typical pregnancy results in twins 2% of the time already.

My husband and I were intrigued with the idea of someday having twins before we even started trying to conceive and now it feels like a pretty efficient scenario. My father-in-law has twin brothers and my mom’s father was a twin, so it already runs in the family. We get pretty excited about the idea of twin nuggets (although I did just read up on the risks if multiples which is a bit sobering).

A side effect of the Clomid that I am concerned about is vaginal dryness. I already have been taking 1200 mg of Mucinex twice daily starting when my period stops through ovulation. It is suppose to help with my diminishing mucus patterns, but I can’t say that I’ve noticed much of a difference. A friend was just telling me that the book, “Taking Control of Your Fertility,” suggests using egg whites as a homeopathic remedy to supplement your natural mucus. I am interested in finding how that exactly works?!?

If you are interested in finding out more about Clomid side effects, check out this link…
http://infertility.about.com/od/clomid/tp/clomid_side_effects.htm

I’m glad to not be experiencing any side effects, but I also don’t have a gut feeling that this will work. I just need to give it more time – I’m sure I will follow my typical emotional trajectory. I start the month slightly depressed, come out of my period feeling very realistic and accepting of our situation, then the hope slowly builds until it reaches illogical peaks where the three negative pregnancy tests are wrong! (Sigh)… another month of hoping and suspense – maybe this will be the month the two week wait doesn’t end with disappointment again.

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It’s Not Over Until It Starts

I really never do give up hope… my two percent chance just dropped to half a percent when my temperature dropped an entire degree this morning :(. Still no period though… just some very light, brown spotting. Must be a matter of hours. At least this month, the pre-period cramping is fairly minimal… (small sigh).

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Do What Feels Right For You

I held out hope, but it is time to recharge emotionally to start my cycle over again. I really need to stop with the early pregnancy tests because I never believe the results and the little buggers are an annoying expense, but I can’t stop myself! So here I am three negative pregnancy tests later, the spotting has started and Aunt Flo will surely make her full appearance later today. As the chance gradually slips away with each test, I ease into the news – 50% chance the test is missing the baby hormones, 18% chance, 2% chance, then the arrival of my period. But by that point I am almost fully expecting it’s arrival, so I am only 2% disappointed. I feel much more at peace this month. This is good news, because I really do not want to ruin another fun trip for myself with my internal bad mood. I don’t feel the need to curl up in a ball and be alone this time. I am so excited to escape to NY for an extended weekend!

We did leave the doctor’s office on Monday with a short term plan of attack. I mentally and emotionally could not handle everything going on in my professional life and deal with my surgery apprehension. I was able to grill the dr on how many procedures has he completed, what are the worst complications that he has seen, the recovery, the percent chance that he’ll find endometriosis when he goes in, and about my other options. This is a surgery he has performed hundreds of times with only a few cases with complications. It sounds like he takes a very conservative approach to the procedure as not damage any organs while removing the endometriosis. He expects 85-90% chance that he will definitely find endometriosis.

After the appointment, I canceled the surgery for June 1st. I left feeling sure that I should undergo the procedyre, but I wasn’t prepared emotionally yet and it seemed like the world was giving me reason after reason why this was not the month. I filled my prescription for Clomid to take in June. Hopefully, the first time will be a charm! But if it is not, we have marked off July 6th on the calendar to reschedule the procedure. This time, I won’t feel rushed into it and hopefully feel much better about it. I have stopped waking up at night feeling panicy since we canceled… I think that is definitely a sign that I made the right decision for me this month!

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To Pee or Not to Pee, that is the Question?

90% of the time, I have a 13-14 day back end of my cycle.  If I have a 13 day back end, I could start my period on Tuesday.  This puts tomorrow as three days before my “missed” period.  As much as I try to forget about that lone pregnancy test residing under my sink, I can not get it out my head.  I know better – my face is breaking out like I am high school.  I’m completely bloated and have been having abdominal pain all afternoon (endometriosis flaring up because of hormones or just regular cramps?), and my boobs are swollen and hurt.  It is pretty obvious that my period is coming.  BUT the hope is always still there, because until it shows up I’m not really not pregnant. 

I’m trying to push it out of my mind…. (because really – I could pee on it now too…)

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