This weekend, I went to the lake with three of my sorority sisters and their husbands. I was looking forward to a relaxing weekend and was hopeful that maybe it would be just like it was in the sorority house and that the baby talk could be at a minimum. I knew going into the weekend that there might be “announcements” and tried to prepare mentally, but was hoping for the old normal.
My mom said it right, at least everything shitty happened on one day so I could just get through it and on to the next day. I started the day off with a big fat negative pregnancy test, then I heard from my mother later in the morning that they were going to put down their 15 year old golden retriever that day. We had gotten Bailey when I was a sophomore in high school and she was the best dog ever! So I went over to their house over lunch to say good-bye. On the way over there, it started to pour down rain. It felt like the world was crying! I had also been trying to come to grips with the news that week that a woman who was in the class ahead of me in high school was diagnosed with cancer on her 30th birthday this winter and less than four months lost her battle on Monday. I had seen her in January at a mutual friend’s birthday party. She was always my favorite out of that group of girls – she was so nice, down to earth and hilarious! I feel so sorry for her family and for such a promising life cut short. As I sat at a stop light with the rain pouring, that country song, “When I Die Young” came on and I completely lost it!
After a nice lunch with my mom and a tear soaked good-bye with Bailey, I headed back to work. Work is still overwhelming right now. I have another deadline on Tuesday and with going out of town, I know that I will not be able to meet it. I’m starting to get so demoralized – I am working so hard, but refuse to work crazy amounts of overtime and forgo sanity in my personal life. I’m probably being immature, but I hate knowing that is what would have been needed to have succeeded.
After work and frantically packing, we drove 4 hours to the lake. In the car, my husband started a “practice” conversation about how it is so exciting that ALL my friends are pregnant. I worked on my most sugary, sweet excited voice. I did not want another pregnancy announcement to result in public crying and in reality any or all of them could be pregnant. I had seen a picture of one of my friends on facebook and noted that her face looked noticeably more full than it did from pictures even a month and a half ago. I also swore I could see the beginning of a little bump under her shirt. I knew that she had promised her husband that they could start trying after a trip to Mexico in Feb, so I knew it was highly likely my suspicions were right, but was hopeful when I walked in and she was holding onto a beer. But it was just a facade and they were indeed pregnant. Within the first hour, her husband made the announcement that they would be expecting in January. And then they had to go on and on about how they got pregnant the first month trying and about how frickin’ fertile they are. That was the moment I almost lost it, but I got in a few platitudes and kept a frozen smile plastered on my face. Luckily, the mother in the group jumped all over the announcement with all sorts of questions and it wasn’t very obvious that I was essentially a deaf mute.
That night I was the first to retire to bed and I got as far as getting my jewelry off before the sobbing began. The husband and I just laid in bed with me just sobbing about the entire day and him telling me that he was so proud of how strong I had been up there and how well I handled it. (PS – can I also note that we got stuck on the futon – we even were getting the short end of the sleeping arrangement stick for the 2nd time in 3 years).
I woke up the next day feeling a little better, but my eyes felt practically glued together with the tears. There was much more mommy talk the next day, as one of the girls had a baby in November (and off the cuff said that she hopes to get pregnant again soon – oh great, she can be the first to double lap me!), the newly announcement mommy-to-be, and the last girl gleefully telling us that this was their first month trying (so I need to brace myself for that announcement any month now!). I felt so disconnected all day. I felt like I was just listening and listening and listening and no one cared to ask me anything at all about my life. Seriously not one leading question had been asked to even bring up my dog, or how work has been stressing me out, or even possibility letting them in on what I’ve been going through. It had been my plan to tell them, but now I wasn’t sure. That night my husband told me that he even noticed that I seemed to be placed on the outside. I went to bed sad with myself that I had allowed myself to be so closed off from them these last months and that I must be putting up a giant shield around myself that even they could sense without really knowing it.
The next day, I decided that no matter what – I would find a time to tell them. A few moments came and went, because the boys were too close in earshot, I did not want one of them coming over and interrupting. Finally there was a moment on the dock, when the boys had gone upstairs. The conversation even turned in a way, that it wasn’t totally out of the blue what I was about to say. I was so nervous… my heart was racing. I finally got up the courage and broached the topic. I could see at first that they had no idea what to say. They asked some questions about what the doctor said and if the surgery should fix it, but then there were some huge “pregnant” pauses. It felt good to tell them, but I still felt on the outskirts.
I hate that going through this is making me retreat from people, I hate feeling so lonely, I hate feeling so hopeless sometimes, I hate feeling so despondent.
Hopefully tomorrow will be better! Or at least my crazy work will distract me.