Tag Archives: period

NY Trip

Some good friends got married in the Catskills of NY two weekends ago, so 8 couples hopped on an airplane.  First we had a few days in the big city and then we drove up state for some good old-fashioned wedding fun!  All in all, I had a great time, but there were definitely moments I had to give myself some pep talks to keep up the good attitude.  I did not enjoy NYC as much this time around as I have in the past – period disappointment put a damper on my spirits a bit.  Also, I am not 22 like the last time I visited, now I am older and need more sleep =)   Everyone was trying to act like we were 22 again and when you’re trying to take better care of your body, drinking and hardly sleeping did not interest me much.  The baby talk though was fairly minimized though by this endeavor by everyone to act like college kids again. So that was refreshing!

It was a little exhausting to be with friends for 5 days straight and be “happy” all the time.  I am definitely an introvert so this would have been trying without burying my disappointment that my period started.  Plus on the first day, I felt awful!  And as the weekend went on my bloating was out of control!

This was sort of our infertile “coming out” trip.  A few couples knew before the trip, but spending 5 days with your friends definitely gives you a lot of time to talk.  So a few people asked in conversation about when we might start trying to have kids and that is a pretty good opening to let them know.  Two couples brought it up because they had been told by others and wanted to let us know that they were there for us.  Feeling all the support of our friends and finally not having to tell little white lies all the time helped to put me in a much better mood.  It was curious though, the only person whom I did not talk to about it at all was the wife of my husband’s  good friend (whom he had told a few weeks before the trip) who is dealing with PCOS, who had previously found out she’d had a spontaneous conception only when it was miscarrying, and is on doing her third IUI cycle this month.  Everyone has their own ways of dealing and self-preservation, so I know someday we will talk about it, but if now she doesn’t want to, I completely understand.

I felt very self-conscious though about a small crying breakdown I had that she witnessed.  The night of the rehearsal dinner, despite my intentions to take better care of myself, I had a few drinks and was feeling very giddy and clumsy.  Up in the hotel room, I couldn’t find my contact case and was going to use two of the glasses to store my contacts overnight.  I knocked one off the counter and it shattered all over the ceramic tile.  The broken pieces bounced up and cut my legs in several places.  At first, I was laughing because it was so typical of me to be clumsy.  As I was picking up the pieces, I realized that I was bleeding.  I sat down on the toilet to put compression on the nicks to stop the bleeding.  These were not gashes at all – they were like small shaving nicks.  But they would not stop bleeding!  She helped me go and get some band-aids.  I had already felt sort of gloomy under the surface all day and knew that I just wanted a good cry.  Well now I had a reason, I started crying because I was mad at the stupid blood thinners I have to take, I was mad at infertility, and I was a little drunk.  So there I was crying about some stupid little cuts when she got back.  I was so embarrassed that I was making such a fuss in front of her, who has been through sooo much more!  She was the best though and helped to make it not such a big deal!

The wedding the next day was beautiful!  The scenery was beautiful, the food was amazing and the dancing was so very much fun!  It was a very emotional ceremony as the bride had lost her mother the year before to Ovarian cancer.  There a moment during the ceremony to pause and remember those who could not be there and this huge breeze came through.  It honestly felt like it was her saying – hey honey, I’m here!  There wasn’t a dry eye in the crowd.  I heard a few of the boys say, I’m glad I had sunglasses on!

One of my new mommy friends, who complained all the time about not being able to drink while pregnant, said to me twice that night “I feel so bad for M, not being able to drink this weekend.”  Really, you’re going to say that to the girl who wants to be pregnant but can’t, about the actual pregnant girl!?!  No I really don’t feel bad for her at all.  I was glad that I finally got the chance to tell E that yes, I too had been sober at both weddings last fall when she was making such a huge fuss over her pregnancy and the small sacrifices that required and really it is not that big of a deal!  It did spark a small conversation about how yes, she was so very lucky to get pregnant so easily and I think the light went on in her head a bit that she should think before speaking.

All in all it was a great trip, but I definitely pushed it too hard and came down with wicked head cold that is just today (almost two weeks later), finally clearing up completely.   I’m glad to be rid of my souvenir from New York!

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It’s Not Over Until It Starts

I really never do give up hope… my two percent chance just dropped to half a percent when my temperature dropped an entire degree this morning :(. Still no period though… just some very light, brown spotting. Must be a matter of hours. At least this month, the pre-period cramping is fairly minimal… (small sigh).

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Do What Feels Right For You

I held out hope, but it is time to recharge emotionally to start my cycle over again. I really need to stop with the early pregnancy tests because I never believe the results and the little buggers are an annoying expense, but I can’t stop myself! So here I am three negative pregnancy tests later, the spotting has started and Aunt Flo will surely make her full appearance later today. As the chance gradually slips away with each test, I ease into the news – 50% chance the test is missing the baby hormones, 18% chance, 2% chance, then the arrival of my period. But by that point I am almost fully expecting it’s arrival, so I am only 2% disappointed. I feel much more at peace this month. This is good news, because I really do not want to ruin another fun trip for myself with my internal bad mood. I don’t feel the need to curl up in a ball and be alone this time. I am so excited to escape to NY for an extended weekend!

We did leave the doctor’s office on Monday with a short term plan of attack. I mentally and emotionally could not handle everything going on in my professional life and deal with my surgery apprehension. I was able to grill the dr on how many procedures has he completed, what are the worst complications that he has seen, the recovery, the percent chance that he’ll find endometriosis when he goes in, and about my other options. This is a surgery he has performed hundreds of times with only a few cases with complications. It sounds like he takes a very conservative approach to the procedure as not damage any organs while removing the endometriosis. He expects 85-90% chance that he will definitely find endometriosis.

After the appointment, I canceled the surgery for June 1st. I left feeling sure that I should undergo the procedyre, but I wasn’t prepared emotionally yet and it seemed like the world was giving me reason after reason why this was not the month. I filled my prescription for Clomid to take in June. Hopefully, the first time will be a charm! But if it is not, we have marked off July 6th on the calendar to reschedule the procedure. This time, I won’t feel rushed into it and hopefully feel much better about it. I have stopped waking up at night feeling panicy since we canceled… I think that is definitely a sign that I made the right decision for me this month!

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To Pee or Not to Pee, that is the Question?

90% of the time, I have a 13-14 day back end of my cycle.  If I have a 13 day back end, I could start my period on Tuesday.  This puts tomorrow as three days before my “missed” period.  As much as I try to forget about that lone pregnancy test residing under my sink, I can not get it out my head.  I know better – my face is breaking out like I am high school.  I’m completely bloated and have been having abdominal pain all afternoon (endometriosis flaring up because of hormones or just regular cramps?), and my boobs are swollen and hurt.  It is pretty obvious that my period is coming.  BUT the hope is always still there, because until it shows up I’m not really not pregnant. 

I’m trying to push it out of my mind…. (because really – I could pee on it now too…)

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