Tag Archives: pregnancy test

More Peak +7 Test results

So today I am 10 days past my supposed ovulation. My temp spiked last Tuesday, but my fertility monitor never picked up a peak day. And between all the baby dancing, pre-seed and my natural lack of cervical mucus… I still can’t read my mucus signs after 18 months of charting!

I took a pregnancy test again this morning and still not even the faintest second line. So definitely negative, but still early. I was having a hard time holding out any hope for this month, but my peak+7 bloodwork came back yesterday. My progesterone level was at 21 ng/mL and my estadiol level was 421 pg/mL. These are both good and high like last month. So i guess this means that I did ovulate. The nurse sounded so darn optimistic last month and was asking if I had taken a pregnancy test because the numbers were showing that my hormone levels were really good. But still no luck last month, so what does that really mean?!?

This post outlines what exactly progesterone and estrodiol actually do… https://waitingforthenugget.wordpress.com/2011/09/03/peak-7-bloodwork/

I guess something positive is that I had these levels again on a lesser dose of Clomid. So maybe acupuncture is helping? It was nice being on lower dose of Clomid, my ovaries felt less like they wanted to explode!

I just want so badly to be pregnant! Why can’t I make this work? I feel like I am doing everything I can.

Off to work… I have so much to accomplish today before leaving on vacation. I just can’t make myself care. Seems to be a common theme these days.

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When Did My Heart Go Missing?

I was in the bathroom this morning, waiting for the pee to dry on my negative pregnancy test. I decided to pull up my email on my phone to make the process go more quickly. There I found an email from a college roommate.

First a little back story, she got pregnant with her daughter her second month trying. Her daughter was born last November (btw it hasn’t even been a year). When I saw her in July, she had mentioned that she was weaning her daughter and they would be open to number two whenever.

When I had my surgery, I got a text saying that she hoped it went well. But other than that, her support for me during this process has been pretty non-existant. I do get text message pictures of her daughter though. I don’t mind gushing over my friends kids who also reciprocate and are interested in being there for me during this trying time.

So her email was letting me and our other two close sorority friends know that she was having a D&C on Tuesday. Of course, the way the email starting off saying there was news… I scanned quickly for the word pregnant to jump out. I guess I was almost relieved not to find that to be the case.

She had a normal first period and then a really light one the next month. Her first pregnancy test was negative, but then there was a positive one a few days later. After blood work and two sonograms, it was discovered that she had a blighted ovum. A blighted ovum (also known as “anembryonic pregnancy”) happens when a fertilized egg attaches itself to the uterine wall, but the embryo does not develop. Cells develop to form the pregnancy sac, but not the embryo itself. A blighted ovum usually occurs within the first trimester before a woman knows she is pregnant. A high level of chromosome abnormalities usually causes a woman’s body to naturally miscarry. http://www.americanpregnancy.org/pregnancycomplications/blightedovum.html

Upon re-reading her email now, I now feel awful for her and her husband that for the past month they thought they were pregnant. But I have to admit, as I was reading about this while my 13th month of negative pregnancy tests was staring back up at me from the counter, I did not feel bad for her. All I could think was she almost got pregnant again the second month of trying. Yes, it is sad that the fertilized egg didn’t develop into an embryo, but as soon as she recovers I’m sure she’ll be pregnant again in a few months and this will only be a blip on her memory.

I think my heart is starting to turn to ice. How could I not feel anything for my friend upon reading that email? I told my husband that I am heartless and that he should run as far away as possible. And then I strapped on my running shoes to try and forget that I was heartless and starting to feel like a shell of a person somedays.

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Deja Vu

This is a completely repeat of last month with the negative pregnancy test after pregnancy test, then the light brown spotting, the achy boobs, and the bloated abdomen.  But still, I am holding out the smallest amount of hope that maybe I could still be pregnant!  That maybe the spotting was implantation bleeding and that the pregnancy tests were just too early.  Tomorrow is 14 days past ovulation and the day I predicted on my chart for my period.  Luckily I am out of pregnancy tests, but there can always be that last kick in the gut of the basal body temperature shift down in the morning.  Soon I will know and will need to start fully accepting that the Clomid didn’t work and the surgery will really be happening in 9 days.

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A Weekend with the Fertiles

This weekend, I went to the lake with three of my sorority sisters and their husbands.  I was looking forward to a relaxing weekend and was hopeful that maybe it would be just like it was in the sorority house and that the baby talk could be at a minimum.  I knew going into the weekend that there might be “announcements” and tried to prepare mentally, but was hoping for the old normal.

My mom said it right, at least everything shitty happened on one day so I could just get through it and on to the next day.  I started the day off with a big fat negative pregnancy test, then I heard from  my mother later in the morning that they were going to put down their 15 year old golden retriever that day.  We had gotten Bailey when I was a sophomore in high school and she was the best dog ever!  So I went over to their house over lunch to say good-bye.  On the way over there, it started to pour down rain.  It felt like the world was crying!  I had also been trying to come to grips with the news that week that a woman who was in the class ahead of me in high school was diagnosed with cancer on her 30th birthday this winter and less than four months lost her battle on Monday.  I had seen her in January at a mutual friend’s birthday party.  She was always my favorite out of that group of girls – she was so nice, down to earth and hilarious!  I feel so sorry for her family and for such a promising life cut short.  As I sat at a stop light with the rain pouring, that country song, “When I Die Young” came on and I completely lost it!

After a nice lunch with my mom and a tear soaked good-bye with Bailey, I headed back to work.  Work is still overwhelming right now.  I have another deadline on Tuesday and with going out of town, I know that I will not be able to meet it.  I’m starting to get so demoralized – I am working so hard, but refuse to work crazy amounts of overtime and forgo sanity in my personal life.  I’m probably being immature, but I hate knowing that is what would have been needed to have succeeded.

After work and frantically packing, we drove 4 hours to the lake.  In the car, my husband started a “practice” conversation about how it is so exciting that ALL my friends are pregnant.  I worked on my most sugary, sweet excited voice.  I did not want another pregnancy announcement to result in public crying and in reality any or all of them could be pregnant.  I had seen a picture of one of my friends on facebook and noted that her face looked noticeably more full than it did from pictures even a month and a half ago.  I also swore I could see the beginning of a little bump under her shirt.  I knew that she had promised her husband that they could start trying after a trip to Mexico in Feb, so I knew it was highly likely my suspicions were right, but was hopeful when I walked in and she was holding onto a beer.  But it was just a facade and they were indeed pregnant.  Within the first hour, her husband made the announcement that they would be expecting in January.  And then they had to go on and on about how they got pregnant the first month trying and about how frickin’ fertile they are.  That was the moment I almost lost it, but I got in a few platitudes and kept a frozen smile plastered on my face.  Luckily, the mother in the group jumped all over the announcement with all sorts of questions and it wasn’t very obvious that I was essentially a deaf mute.

That night I was the first to retire to bed and I got as far as getting my jewelry off before the sobbing began.  The husband and I just laid in bed with me just sobbing about the entire day and him telling me that he was so proud of how strong I had been up there and how well I handled it.  (PS – can I also note that we got stuck on the futon – we even were getting the short end of the sleeping arrangement stick for the 2nd time in 3 years).

I woke up the next day feeling a little better, but my eyes felt practically glued together with the tears.  There was much more mommy talk the next day, as one of the girls had a baby in November (and off the cuff said that she hopes to get pregnant again soon – oh great, she can be the first to double lap me!),  the newly announcement mommy-to-be, and the last girl gleefully telling us that this was their first month trying (so I need to brace myself for that announcement any month now!).  I felt so disconnected all day.  I felt like I was just listening and listening and listening and no one cared to ask me anything at all about my life.  Seriously not one leading question had been asked to even bring up my dog, or how work has been stressing me out, or even possibility letting them in on what I’ve been going through.  It had been my plan to tell them, but now I wasn’t sure.  That night my husband told me that he even noticed that I seemed to be placed on the outside.  I went to bed sad with myself that I had allowed myself to be so closed off from them these last months and that I must be putting up a giant shield around myself that even they could sense without really knowing it.

The next day, I decided that no matter what – I would  find a time to tell them.  A few moments came and went, because the boys were too close in earshot, I did not want one of them coming over and interrupting.  Finally there was a moment on the dock, when the boys had gone upstairs.  The conversation even turned in a way, that it wasn’t totally out of the blue what I was about to say.  I was so nervous… my heart was racing.  I finally got up the courage and broached the topic.  I could see at first that they had no idea what to say.  They asked some questions about what the doctor said and if the surgery should fix it, but then there were some huge “pregnant” pauses.  It felt good to tell them, but I still felt on the outskirts.

I hate that going through this is making me retreat from people, I hate feeling so lonely, I hate feeling so hopeless sometimes, I hate feeling so despondent.

Hopefully tomorrow will be better!  Or at least my crazy work will distract me.

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Do What Feels Right For You

I held out hope, but it is time to recharge emotionally to start my cycle over again. I really need to stop with the early pregnancy tests because I never believe the results and the little buggers are an annoying expense, but I can’t stop myself! So here I am three negative pregnancy tests later, the spotting has started and Aunt Flo will surely make her full appearance later today. As the chance gradually slips away with each test, I ease into the news – 50% chance the test is missing the baby hormones, 18% chance, 2% chance, then the arrival of my period. But by that point I am almost fully expecting it’s arrival, so I am only 2% disappointed. I feel much more at peace this month. This is good news, because I really do not want to ruin another fun trip for myself with my internal bad mood. I don’t feel the need to curl up in a ball and be alone this time. I am so excited to escape to NY for an extended weekend!

We did leave the doctor’s office on Monday with a short term plan of attack. I mentally and emotionally could not handle everything going on in my professional life and deal with my surgery apprehension. I was able to grill the dr on how many procedures has he completed, what are the worst complications that he has seen, the recovery, the percent chance that he’ll find endometriosis when he goes in, and about my other options. This is a surgery he has performed hundreds of times with only a few cases with complications. It sounds like he takes a very conservative approach to the procedure as not damage any organs while removing the endometriosis. He expects 85-90% chance that he will definitely find endometriosis.

After the appointment, I canceled the surgery for June 1st. I left feeling sure that I should undergo the procedyre, but I wasn’t prepared emotionally yet and it seemed like the world was giving me reason after reason why this was not the month. I filled my prescription for Clomid to take in June. Hopefully, the first time will be a charm! But if it is not, we have marked off July 6th on the calendar to reschedule the procedure. This time, I won’t feel rushed into it and hopefully feel much better about it. I have stopped waking up at night feeling panicy since we canceled… I think that is definitely a sign that I made the right decision for me this month!

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To Pee or Not to Pee, that is the Question?

90% of the time, I have a 13-14 day back end of my cycle.  If I have a 13 day back end, I could start my period on Tuesday.  This puts tomorrow as three days before my “missed” period.  As much as I try to forget about that lone pregnancy test residing under my sink, I can not get it out my head.  I know better – my face is breaking out like I am high school.  I’m completely bloated and have been having abdominal pain all afternoon (endometriosis flaring up because of hormones or just regular cramps?), and my boobs are swollen and hurt.  It is pretty obvious that my period is coming.  BUT the hope is always still there, because until it shows up I’m not really not pregnant. 

I’m trying to push it out of my mind…. (because really – I could pee on it now too…)

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Expecting Beginner’s Luck

At the very beginning, I expected that my fertility monitor would inform the perfect timing to conceive and that would be it.  I’d take a pregnancy test two weeks later and there would be two lines.  Why wouldn’t it work that way?  I had been off birth control for months, had been charting and using NFP to avoid pregnancy, the back end of my period had been consistent., and I felt very informed.   When friends would mention that it took them a few months to get pregnant, I always figured that it was because they were just not in tune with their body.

Our parent’s didn’t have any problem getting pregnant.  My parent’s joke that my dad only had to look at my mom and she was pregnant and my husband’s birthday is exactly 9 months after his parent’s wedding anniversary.

I’ve heard so many friends proclaim that they “just knew” that they would have problems getting pregnant.  Ironically – one of those girls got pregnant on accident the first month after stopping the pill.  Another,  got pregnant the second month trying.  I was never feared having trouble getting pregnant.  I truly believed that at the most it would take three months – at the most.

We were expecting beginner’s luck and that positive test at the end of the month, so we checked out “What to Expect While You Are Expecting” from the library.  I signed up for weekly pregnancy updates and began cutting all the no-no items out of my diet.   I started bookmarking cribs and bedding online.  It only took a few months, to learn that this type of behavior was not good for self-preservation.

The weekend before my first expected missed period was a good friend’s wedding.  I pretended to sip beers on the trolley and drank soda water with a lime while I daydreamed about revealing my sneaky ways in a few months when we’d announce the pregnancy.

The month ended with early pregnancy tests and only slightly tempered hopes after the first was negative.  I knew of a friend who only discovered she was pregnant after the second test – the first was taken too early.  But then the cramping started, followed shortly thereafter by my period.  We were disappointed, but convinced that the next month would be the month.

The next month played out similarly again – another sober wedding, more pregnancy tests.  This time though there was a bladder infection from our overly eager efforts.  The doctor warned that since I was sick, it would hurt our chances, but that didn’t diminish my hopes.   Then there was the month my husband was out of town for work exactly on the day I ovulated.   Then there was another bladder infection.  Then there was the month we didn’t try because the baby would be due on my brother’s wedding.  It was easy to explain away why my period kept coming, but the nagging feeling that something might be wrong.

Looking back at this time now, I am mourning the loss of the excitement and anticipation.  It was so fun to imagine our baby and what traits he / she would inherit from us, what names we liked, and how we would be as parents.  I miss that feeling.  It still happens every once and a while, but there is a lot more guarded optimism.

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