My husband and I have been talking about taking a vacation for a LONG time. Neither of us have taken more than a few days off in a row since our honeymoon. So we decided to take the plunge on booking a 2nd anniversary trip! We got prices on a few resorts in Punta Cana from a travel agent. We only waited 36 hours to get him our choice and the price had gone up significantly. There were only a few rooms available at that very discounted rate. I was so disappointed!!!! These feelings compounded with my BFN sadness from earlier this week. I went into full spin whining to my husband about how it feels like we never catch a break. He does not entertain my pity parties. Our conversations about not being pregnant go the same way everytime. I can’t believe how much time has already passed since we started trying and then I begin exploring the worst case scenarios. DH is always more positive and reaffirms that despite all this baby stuff we are so blessed in every other way and need to be thankful. I know that he is correct, but sometimes it is hard to see beyond our inability so far to get pregnant.
So this conversation replayed itself yet again after I was bummed out on missing such an amazing deal. By the time I went to bed, I was finally able to see that option #2 for vacation was pretty darn amazing too. The next day, I came across this writing by St. Francis de Sales. It was a little lesson that applied directly to my tantrum the day before…
“Soon we shall be in eternity, and then we shall see how very petty are the things of this earth and how inconsequential it is whether we are involved in them or not. Now we get all worked up as if the were terribly important! When we were small children, how carefully we collected pieces of wood, stone and such to build huts, and if someone knocked them down we cried; then we were all put out, but now we understand how unimportant these things were. We will feel the same way one day in Heaven, when we see that all our preoccupations in this world were nothing but childish concerns. Be faithful to your duties, but be convinced that there is nothing more worthy or more important than eternal salvation and the perfection of your soul .” (Letters 455; O. XIX, p. 22)
I thought I had almost made it through my first Clomid cycle without any obvious side effects, but might be wrong. I have a terrible head cold also going on, so the symptoms could also be a combination of the hormones and the sickness. Last night, I woke up at 2am with my shirt drenched in sweat and having a panic attack over how hot it was under the covers. After flying out of bed and to the kitchen for some water, I realized that it wasn’t the temperature in the room that was to blame. Clomid, perhaps? Now today, I have the most painful canker sores. I use to get them all the time, but haven’t had any in a long time. Ouch! Why can’t I stop poking my tongue at them!
I will gladly take a hot flash and a canker sore any day over being super weepy though! I’ve been feeling remarkably even keeled as of late. I’m working hard at trying to find a place of peace and acceptance with the process and to find some patience.
I went to a Catholic, high school and get emails form the school with quotes from the writings of the Visitation Order’s founder, St. Francis De Sales. Sometimes it is uncanny how they speak to exactly what is going on in my life at that moment. Today I received this one and thought I would share…
“Be strong and constant in your resolution to hand over your heart totally and entirely to God, since there is nothing better that you could do; but do not ask for crosses and trials to test your fidelity. Instead of this, await and accept what God sends you. Your fidelity will be tested in thousands of other ways in humility, in pleasant manners, in charity, in cordial service, in being affectionate and loving toward your neighbor. May God give you the gifts of patience and fortitude, because you will have the opportunity to make use of them.” (Letters 2006; O. XXI, pp. 53-54)
I recently saw this quote by Laura Bush on another blog and wanted to share it with everyone else waiting for their own little nugget!
“The English language lacks the words ‘to mourn an absence.’ For the loss of a parent, grandparent, spouse, child or friend we have all manner of words and phrases, some helpful, some not. Still, we are conditioned to say something, even if it is only ‘I am sorry for your loss.’ But for an absence, for someone who was never there at all, we are wordless to capture that particular emptiness. For those who deeply want children and are denied them, those missing babies hover like silent, ephemeral shadows over their lives. Who can describe the feel of a tiny hand that is never held?”