Tag Archives: sadness

When Did My Heart Go Missing?

I was in the bathroom this morning, waiting for the pee to dry on my negative pregnancy test. I decided to pull up my email on my phone to make the process go more quickly. There I found an email from a college roommate.

First a little back story, she got pregnant with her daughter her second month trying. Her daughter was born last November (btw it hasn’t even been a year). When I saw her in July, she had mentioned that she was weaning her daughter and they would be open to number two whenever.

When I had my surgery, I got a text saying that she hoped it went well. But other than that, her support for me during this process has been pretty non-existant. I do get text message pictures of her daughter though. I don’t mind gushing over my friends kids who also reciprocate and are interested in being there for me during this trying time.

So her email was letting me and our other two close sorority friends know that she was having a D&C on Tuesday. Of course, the way the email starting off saying there was news… I scanned quickly for the word pregnant to jump out. I guess I was almost relieved not to find that to be the case.

She had a normal first period and then a really light one the next month. Her first pregnancy test was negative, but then there was a positive one a few days later. After blood work and two sonograms, it was discovered that she had a blighted ovum. A blighted ovum (also known as “anembryonic pregnancy”) happens when a fertilized egg attaches itself to the uterine wall, but the embryo does not develop. Cells develop to form the pregnancy sac, but not the embryo itself. A blighted ovum usually occurs within the first trimester before a woman knows she is pregnant. A high level of chromosome abnormalities usually causes a woman’s body to naturally miscarry. http://www.americanpregnancy.org/pregnancycomplications/blightedovum.html

Upon re-reading her email now, I now feel awful for her and her husband that for the past month they thought they were pregnant. But I have to admit, as I was reading about this while my 13th month of negative pregnancy tests was staring back up at me from the counter, I did not feel bad for her. All I could think was she almost got pregnant again the second month of trying. Yes, it is sad that the fertilized egg didn’t develop into an embryo, but as soon as she recovers I’m sure she’ll be pregnant again in a few months and this will only be a blip on her memory.

I think my heart is starting to turn to ice. How could I not feel anything for my friend upon reading that email? I told my husband that I am heartless and that he should run as far away as possible. And then I strapped on my running shoes to try and forget that I was heartless and starting to feel like a shell of a person somedays.

3 Comments

Filed under Uncategorized

What’s New?

I have been MIA lately on the blog. I keep oscillating between should I remove all the infertility obsession from my life (twitter, blogging, reading blogs, reading books on the topic, etc) to help me deal. Or is it healthy to accept and allow my obsessive ways. I think there is a happy medium between the two extremes that I need to find. So I am back… and here is a quick update on what has been going on in my life.

TODAY

I just sent back my final comments to my wedding photographer on our album proof… our TWO year Anniversary is Monday – haha! My photographer such an amazing job that I had the hardest time ever picking what photographs to use. Having the DVD of all the images didn’t help either as I could just flip through them anytime I wanted. I don’t like to think of myself as a procrastinator, but sometimes I am epic! Example 2 is the future nursery room that is essentially just a large catchall closet currently. Yes we purchased our home in the Winter of ’09 – we are coming up on three years. We talk about this room like the field of dreams… we need to clean it out and the baby will come. This thinking hasn’t yet produced action though =)

I added myself to the Stirrup Queen’s IComLeavWe (International Comment Week) October list. I’m hoping this will help me focus more on the blog – instead of just mentally outlining posts, but never writing them. More info here: http://www.stirrup-queens.com/2011/09/icomleavwe-october-2011/

It has been 3 months exactly since my endometriosis laproscopy – definitely thought I would be pregnant after three months… maybe fourth time is a charm?

THIS WEEK

Our little puppy Rosie got spayed on Tuesday (yes we got a puppy back in July – this is another whole blog entry). I joking told my husband this morning that she is like her Mommy now and can’t get pregnant! Normally she is crazy full of energy, but she is blissfully calm in her drugged up state. Sort of pathetic too in the cone head. The calmness is starting to wear off today already though, but that is good because it does not seem like she is in too much pain.

My husband went to dinner last night with his best friend, after he had noticed we were both so down on Friday night. I think that it was good for Joe to be able to talk to someone else besides me about what he is feeling. He also was able to share some of his feelings with me he hadn’t previously been able.

LAST WEEK

I officially started week 1 of the first cycle after a year of trying. I guess this technically makes me medically infertile now =(

I also found out that Charlotte, my friend who had the same endometriosis laproscopy procedure 6 days before me is pregnant. She had told me that she didn’t think she ovulated last month and was super down the last time I talked to her. So it was another one of the kick you in the gut pregnancy announcements because I had mentally put her in my safe, not pregnant box for another month. I know this should make me feel super hopeful that the surgery works. But I already knew the surgery works for a lot of people, but the reality is that everyone’s body is different. She was dealing with secondary infertility, so she already had answers to questions like, “maybe my eggs are just crappy?” My husband called at work and asked me to go somewhere private to call him and then he told me their news. I immediately just started crying. I spent probably 20 minutes on the phone with him, just sitting in front of my building at work crying. At times like that, I am sooooo tired of this journey and the reality is there could still be a very long road ahead of us. Charlotte was going to call me that night, but I had already been sort of weepy that day thanks to the Clomid and I just couldn’t handle it that day. The next day though, I mustered up my strength and happy voice and called her to wish them congrats. I realized why pregnancy announcements by close friends hurt the worst, because you would think you would be able to muster up the most happiness for those you care the most. It hurts because it feels so much like you are being left behind and excluded from a private club. It feels like a rift opens up a bit that separates the parents from the non-parents.

THIS PAST MONTH

I have added a few more layers of wellness to my get pregnant plan. I can’t stand to not change something from month to month. It just feels like Einstein’s definition of insanity… “doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” So last month after I ovulated, I started acupuncture and seeing a chiropractor right after I ovulated (both of these deserve a whole post too). It didn’t result in a BFP, but I have been seeing some other great outcomes from the treatments. Maybe this month, it will all pay off?

This month, I added in removing alcohol from my diet. I am sure I will fall off the horse, but I figure reducing it 90% has to only be a benefit. We will see how I do at the wedding and all-inclusive vacation we have planned before Aunt Flo could make her dreaded appearance.

My brother got married! I wore the size 14 bridesmaid dress (ordered when I thought for sure I would be pregnant) that was “altered” back down to a size 10. It still looked huge! The wedding was so much fun and they are so happy. I have a new love of weddings currently. They are events filled with so much hope for the future – how can you not help but love them?

That pretty much covers the big stuff. Until next time!

HUGS to all, Kelly

2 Comments

Filed under Uncategorized

Birthday Blues

Today is my birthday and I can’t help but feel a little glum today. It is depressing to know that my eggs are now a year older. I know that I am still young-ish for this IF game, but I worry about how even more difficult conceiving a second and third child will be in the future. My DH and I have always wanted a larger family of 3-4, but now we just need to worry about conceiving the first one. I feel like not only am I disappointed we are still trying to conceive, but that I am grieving the loss of the family we had always pictured. I know I am getting ahead of myself a bit, but it feels true. In my head I thought that if we could easily get pregnant post-lap that there was a chance that we could have easy conceptions in the future. But every month that goes by could mean there are other issues at work too. I really do need to cut myself a break and breathe and give it some more time.

This last cycle, I had so much hope. It was my first full cycle after the endo laproscopy and using Clomid. I had been religious about taking all my pills. Plus we had discovered Preseed to help with my mucus issues. It felt like so much was different than past tries and surely these changes would tip the scale in our favor. It also seemed so perfect that we could get a BFP for our birthdays. My DH’s 30th birthday was on Friday and my 29th today. Plus the baby would have been due on April 24th, AFTER tax season. This is a big deal to us as my husband works in public accounting. It just felt like the stars were aligning.

Early BFNs were followed by the arrival of my period on Wednesday. I cried all the way to work two days in a row. Recently, my car has become my crying safe place. I must have too much time to think in there, because I know I am always at a higher risk of becoming a blabbering mess when driving alone.

So today I am blue about not being pregnant. Instead of going to the pool or doing anything social, fun and distracting, I’ve been moping around the house. The DH has been napping for the last few hours as he had a 24 visit to Chicago for a bachelor party yesterday. So he hasn’t had a chance to curb the pity party taking place on the couch.

Anyone else notice today, that despite the heat it is starting to feel like Indian Summer? I love summer and I am annoyed at myself for wasting one of the last good pool weekends. It is time to peel myself off the couch and get moving. Laying here is not going to make ANYTHING better. Today I took my first Clomid dose for the month, so it is time to look forward again and stop dwelling in what hasn’t happened!

2 Comments

Filed under Uncategorized

The Facebook Freeze

I was in a MAJOR funk Saturday. The night before, we ate dinner at a friend’s house and had lots of baby time with their four month old cutie, which at the time was so fun and enjoyable. But I always get a baby hangover the next day! It is such a strong reminder of what we are missing and brings me crashing back to harsh reality.

On Saturday, I lounged in bed and on the couch all day to compensate for overdoing it physically on Saturday. I felt like such a waste of space! My to-do list has been growing since the surgery and it feels overwhelming since I am not yet fully recovered and back to normal to attack it. Laying about also gives you way too much time to feel sorry for yourself. I realized as I aimlessly surfed Facebook that day that 75% of the time I allow it to make me feel bad. It is a virtual, emotional minefield for me.

If Facebook isn’t making me sad about not having a child of my own, it makes me frustrated every time I see another pregnancy announcement. When I see vacation pictures, it makes me feel bad that we were a little irresponsible with our spending this winter/spring and now need to postpone taking a vacation until we get back on track with saving. I wonder how other friends lives can look so gosh darn picture perfect? I feel the need to care more about my personal appearance when I see girls with cute outfits, perfect hair and makeup, and toned bodies. Or I just wonder if we are enjoying life as much as it looks like other people do? But that is just it, Facebook only shows you what everyone else’s lives look like from the surface. I certainly did not post pictures of me from surgery. There are happy smiling pictures from the lake weekend with friends, but there are no pictures of me crying myself to sleep the first night of the trip. There is a great picture of me and my husband from the wedding trip to New York, but it doesn’t show the added relationship strain we’ve had to work through because of our fertility issues.

I know this is my issue that I need to work on improving and not Facebook’s fault – although I would love to lay the blame there! After conversations with my husband and inner reflectance, I am realizing that by putting such emphasis on the “outer scorecard” through comparisions and not my “inner” scorecard, I am making the pain of not being able to get pregnant even harder on myself in addition to a host of other outside pressures.

By Saturday evening, I decided I needed a break from Facebook to really work on my own priorities without the influence and time suck it provides. I did not deactivate my account, but decided to treat it more like a cleanse. I deleted the app from both my phone and iPad. I am promising myself I will not log in on my laptop unless I receive an email notification of tagged pics or comments. So far I have been Facebook free for 36 hours!

3 Comments

Filed under Uncategorized

Emotional Roller Coaster Weekend

This weekend was an emotional roller coaster!  It started with a phone call into the doctor to schedule the laparoscopic endometriosis surgery, then a pregnancy announcement by close friends that caused me to dissolve into public tears, followed by a day of complete depression and not getting off the couch, finally tearing myself off the couch and putting on a brave smile for a 30th birthday party Saturday night, and waking up feeling optimistic on a very sunny, Mother’s Day Sunday that ended with two open conversations where we acknowledged our reproductive challenges.

At my lastOBvisit, I left with two options on how to proceed.  The first was to start Clomid after my next period and see if that was what I needed to get my ovaries jump started or to go forward with the laparoscopic endometriosis surgery.  I had told my husband before the appointment that I was ready for the surgery if the doctor suggested it, but somehow having him put that option out on the table freaked me out.  It took me a few days to come to terms with the reality that endometriosis might be a health issue actually affecting me.  I knew logically that this had been suggested at earlier appointments, I had reported this fact to several people, but I didn’t realize until this week that I didn’t really believe it.  I was still holding out hope that all these unsuccessful attempts at getting pregnant were isolated events that could each be explained away.  My initial reservations to not doing the surgery came from worrying that I’d be embarrassed after the surgery when the doctor did not find anything and being exactly where we started only with a new sizable medical bill (although still a fraction of what IVF would be).  A couple of days later, a close friend sent updates to her blog with pictures of her darling baby girl.  After the cute baby pictures and some surfing online to convince myself that yes, I do exhibit some classic endometriosis symptoms, I decided my husband was right, why was I hesitating, just go for it!  So I called up on Friday and scheduled the surgery for the beginning of June. 

That evening, we had low-key BBQ plans with three couples who are our close friends.  My husband had taken the day off to finish constructing our ambitious veggie garden and was very cranky from the day of manual labor.  I have a major deadline approaching at work with not enough support and hours to successfully finish.  I had spent most of the day, locked in a conference room red-lining drawings with my mind occasionally wandering into my pity party causing me to tear up a bit.  Up until this weekend, I had only really lost it and cried once.  My typical M.O. is to have my eyes swell a bit but push back all the feelings before the waterworks really get turned on.  Needless to say, I was not in the best place walking into that BBQ.

We had just arrived at the party and I was unpacking my grocery bag to begin chopping up some veggies to barbeque when the new mom-to-be walked into the kitchen and someone offered her a beer and she responded, “No, not tonight.  Well… actually I won’t be able to have one until next January!”  I had been looking down at the cutting board and the real meaning of her words began to sink in.  My mind began racing, hadn’t she just told me that she started her period last month?  Was that last month?  

I looked up and saw that she was looking directly at me, waiting for my reaction.  Well she got one, I almost immediately started welling up and getting that little lip quiver thing.  I pulled it together for a minute and walked over and gave her a hug.  She whispered in my ear – I’m so sorry!  I was really starting to cry and my husband noticed that I was not taking the news well and leaned over and whispered in my ear, “step out – go to the bathroom.”  Luckily, because everyone else was so – I was able to sneak away without anyone noticing.  Although at that moment, it felt like everyone knew. 

The new mom-to-be and her husband were some of the few people whom we had told about our situation.  They had also confided in us that they had just started trying to conceive.  She had always declared before starting to try that she just knew she would have difficulties because she had ovarian cysts.  For this reason, I too was expecting it to take her a little while.  I had also always figured that when they did conceive that I’d be able to figure it out because she would not have mentioned anything about her period that month.  I was completely unprepared emotionally for this announcement.  Their wedding had been during our second month of trying and now here they were pregnant on their second month trying and we were still waiting!

The rest of the night was not very enjoyable as there was almost non-stop baby talk as the BBQ hosts have a 2 month old too.  Luckily, the night ended earlier than I expected and I was able to go home and completely crumple. 

In the car, I pretty much dissolved into a teary-eyed mess.  I was sad about our situation and upset at the way she told us.  I never imagined that she would tell me in a group setting if she got pregnant before I did.  I totally understand that she wanted the fun of getting to make the big announcement, but it felt insensitive to not give us a heads up beforehand.  I was mad that I wasn’t able to be happy for them, because I am, but naturally a pregnancy announcement just highlights your sadness.  I had read a few blogs previously that suggested emailing is the best way to announce a pregnancy to friends who are having difficulties.  I have to admit, I now totally agree.  Being able to process the information in your own way before having to speak to the couple, allows you to be in a place where you can genuinely express your happiness.  It just takes a little time to wade past your own feelings.

I cried myself to sleep that night, woke up with my eyes crusted shut as I had also forgotten to take out my contacts.  I pulled myself out of bed and ran a few errands with my husband – while periodically crying again.  Luckily, he had plans to go watch local horse races with his family in honor of the Derbyat noon and I was able to sit by myself and cope.  I sat on the couch doing nothing but feeling sorry for myself for a bit and then started to blog.  Amazingly, diving into the memories of this process and my feelings help me snap out of it and did not push me further into the sadness abyss. 

Earlier in the day, I was prepared to pull a total prima donna move and not show up to the 30th birthday party that evening.  But I managed to get up off the couch, get the shower, put on makeup and go and have a fairly enjoyable time.  It helped to think about the friend I was showing up for – it was a birthday party for her new boyfriend.  She is a great girl, who always shows up for all the showers, bachelorette parties, weddings, couple centric dinners even though she was single, wanted not to be and the constant couple-dome of her social life could be upsetting.  I figured that if she was always there for her friends that I could put on my brave face and show up too now that it was her turn. 

On Sunday I woke up feeling great, almost as if nothing had happened at all.  I had a productive day working outside in the sun in the yard and garden.  I was genuinely enjoying life and not worried about baby things.  It was great!  My giant dose of crying and moping had worked. 

The events of the weekend had also slightly shifted my husband’s view on being honest with those around us about our pregnancy struggles.  We agreed that we should tell the BBQ hosts from Friday.  My tears probably did not go without notice and I hate the thought of friends knowing that something is wrong, but not being able to acknowledge it because we haven’t acknowledged it.

Then on Mother’s Day, I found my husband having a side bar conversation with his cousin.  She and her husband are very open about what they went through to conceive their first child – 7 miscarriages, multiple IUI and IVF procedures.  It turns out that she also has the MTHFR mutation.  I was so happy to see that my husband was opening up to someone about this.  I would prefer to be completely open with everyone, but have been staying private because he felt strongly about it.  I’m glad to see that his view is slowing shifting.  Our conversation was cut short, but hopefully I can talk to her again soon about all this!  They are a great story to focus on – tons of roadblocks and heartbreak, but now they have three amazing kids.  She reassured me that all this will be worth it in the end!

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized