Tomorrow will be surgery day! This time around it feels right. Last month, everything in the world was telling me to wait and I’m glad that I did. This month the ebb and flow of work is syncing up perfectly, which has greatly reduced my anxiety. I feel prepared mentally, emotionally and physically for the surgery, and best of all I have not been having any anxiety about it. Last month, I canceled mainly to preserve my mental sanity. The perfect storm of stress was converging and I had started waking up at 3 in the morning imagining myself lying on the operating table. My heart would be pounding out of my chest!
I’m almost looking forward to the surgery now. I’m excited that it may help us conceive naturally. It feels like a major double bonus that I may feel better physically after the recovery, as every month the discomfort in my abdimon and lower back gets a little worse. And is it also too much to hope my intense tummy bloat is caused by endometriosis and might shrink afterwards too? I am also feeling a lot of anticipation about what the doctor will see in there tomorrow – I fear waking up to find out that there has been much damage caused by endometriosis or that there isn’t any at all. But I am ready to know!
Throughout the process of getting ready emotionally for the surgery, I’ve begun using twitter to connect with more woman dealing with endometriosis and infertility in general. It has been the most therapeutic thing I have done yet! It has helped reduce the amount of pity parties I was hosting for myself when I read about how much others are going through too and how strong they can be. I’ve met people who have helped tell me first hand what to expect from the surgery and the recovery – thanks to @geripinto and @EndoJourney for all the info and tips! And I really enjoy having such a quick and easy forum to put out there how I am feeling at that very moment. Somehow interacting anonymously on this blog and twitter, has allowed me to compartmentalize the sadness I feel. By having a place where I can go and focus on all the issues surrounding trying to get pregnant, I’ve been able to stop it from completely robbing me of being able to live and enjoy my real life. I’m not as fully consumed by it all hours of the day. That isn’t to say, I don’t still have hard days, but it seems that the good ones aren’t as tempered by the bad ones anymore.